


It's Ok

by nessauepa



Category: SKAM (Norway), SKAM (TV), SKAM (TV) RPF
Genre: 21 everywhere, A bit of sci-fi, Angst, Banter, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Forbidden Love, M/M, Mistery, Parallel Universes, Pining, Science Fiction, across universes, and fuck if this fic wasn't posted Jan 21 (just realized that), fate (or not?), soul mates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-21
Updated: 2018-05-11
Packaged: 2019-03-07 13:08:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 30,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13435371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nessauepa/pseuds/nessauepa
Summary: "The day Even met Isak, it was supposed to be his last. Even put himself together for a last big act, to fit the remaining piece of a puzzle that had always been incomplete. And for his final farewell, he cut till the bones, he chose the Earth that had started the ending and also Isak's birthday."--Even has always known about a boy that should have been his everything, except for a small detail: Isak was never born in his Universe.Epic!AU, parallelUniverses!AU





	1. Let It Out

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on Tumblr: https://nessauepa.tumblr.com/

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check end notes for all references.
> 
> PS: I beg you, listen to the song linked in the beginning, it will make total difference, I promise <3

**Fredag, 21:21. Just another party.**

 

_Let it out - Tom Rosenthal_

[ _https://open.spotify.com/track/4ktG1ArGHMj4miAjwpvvHT?si=3yu6RC04TEWvrj2Lar7LXw_ ](https://open.spotify.com/track/4ktG1ArGHMj4miAjwpvvHT?si=3yu6RC04TEWvrj2Lar7LXw)

 

 _Have you got a secret? Let it out_ _  
_ _Have you got the words to say someone to think about?_

Isak wandered through that party, bumping into people he didn't know, and raising his eyebrows in acknowledging to people across the room, who he didn't know regardless. Girls' eyes lingering a bit too long, to what his body rushed away instinctively.

 _Gosh what a beauty_  
_I've just never known it before_  
_Gone in an instant_ _  
_ _What were you waiting for?_

Isak stopped in the middle of that packed room and looked around, wondering how many of those people had got a secret that wasn't possible to put into words. Were any of them feeling like a hollow shell too, filled only with a heavy heart, tangled with all the things that weren't possible to let out? Did any of them have just dry sobs to give to their pillows because their bodies hadn't even the spirit to produce tears?

 _Open your windows_  
_Let the wind meet your face_  
_Throw it to the skies love_ _  
_ It will find a place

Isak was barely sixteen, but he felt tired in his soul. Or maybe it was just one of those weeks, when sleep wouldn't come to him. It wasn't like Isak was blue, he was just grey. That wasn't exactly sadness, it was a feeling of no feeling, an emptiness deep inside, a feeling of being alone. Alone all the time, in middle of people, his loneliness had nothing to do with the absence of people.

But it was ok. Isak was just fine. 

He walked upstairs, sliding his hands through the walls, gripping them, on a craving for feeling. Anything. He found an empty bedroom and sneaked inside, slamming the door behind him. Isak leaned his back against the door, looking up and staring blankly at the ceiling, his body relieving a sigh he didn't even notice he was holding. 

“Hi.”

“Fuck!” Isak shrieked nearly jumping to the ceiling.

“Fuck, I’m sorry,” said a guy with a deep voice, cracking out laughing.

With an uncoupled heart, Isak watched as a tall blonde guy in an oversized hoodie laughed his ass at him. Isak stared disoriented until the guy’s laughs were dying and his gaze over him intensifying.

The boy lingered his eyes all over Isak, from bottom to top, and Isak felt shy, but he didn't avoid his eyes.

“Stop looking at me like that!” Isak shouted.

“Like what?” shouted the guy back, seeming genuinely surprised.

“Like, like..." Isak muttered, shaking his head. “Like you're deciding which piece of me you're going to keep as a souvenir.”

The guy's surprised face turned into a smirk that was growing bigger and bigger until it reached his eyes. Isak thought it was a nice smile, the kind that makes your mouth twitch in response.

But then, his face fell, and his smile vanished away, leaving behind a sadness in his eyes that made Isak shift uncomfortably on his feet. The guy's eyes never leaving him. At some point, Isak really thought this guy was about to shed tears right in the middle of that room. _What the fuck_. 

“Hm,” Isak mumbled. “Are you ok?”

Like removed from a spell, the tall dude shook his head and smiled back, raising one hand to his ear, then holding up a joint between them.

"Oh," Isak smirked back.

“Follow me,” said the dude, passing by Isak with some large steps, then jumping backward onto the bed putting a show. 

Isak watched him crawling back gracefully and resting his back on the headboard, with his long legs spread over the sheet. He held the joint between his lips as he groped his pockets, never sparing a look at Isak.

Isak looked at the closed door, then back at the guy, lighting up the joint. He could still hear the muffled pop song playing downstairs, and it gave him shivers. He felt like he wouldn't bare sparing one more minute that night being fake, fake, fake until his bones, just to later hit his bed feeling dormant inside, even if his mind would be spiraling wildly.

Or he could accept this weird guy's offer. And probably the ending would be the same, but Jonas had taught him better, you don't fucking turn down free weed. And what the fuck, what harm could it do anyway?

Isak took some unsure steps to the bed, sitting on the edge, then rushing to get the joint the guy was handing him, having to twist his wrist clumsily at a weird angle.

He looked up, locking eyes with him. He seemed amused like he was part of an inside joke.

“Ok, you’re kind of cute. I’ll give you that.”

Isak choked and coughed on that weed, hearing him chuckling beside him.

“What the fuck,” said Isak hoarsely, coughing more. “I’m not gay, dude."

The guy raised his eyebrows, then closed his eyes, sighing.

“Fuck, I had completely forgotten about that.”

“What?” said Isak shaking his head and handing him the joint back.

"Where I come from people just like people."

Isak frowned, watching his cheeks hollowing as he took a long drag. Isak stared, maybe a little too much, as he tilted his chin up, blowing a thick cloud of smoke out of his big lips.

“Are you from Canada?”

The guy choked, coughing while smoke was still leaving his body. He coughed and coughed until he was just laughing breathless, tilting his head up seeking for air. Isak couldn't contain a smirk himself.

The guy laughed until he rested his face on the headboard, staring intensely at Isak. Why was that with this guy always looking at him like he wanted to memorize him? Isak averted his eyes shyly, feeling his face getting flushed. 

“I’m Even,” said the guy, and when Isak looked up under his eyelashes, he saw him extending a hand.

“Hm, Isak,” replied Isak accepting it.

“Nice to meet you, Isak,” said Even shaking their hands slowly, looking at him all the time.

“So, you aren't from here?” asked Isak with a puzzled face.

Even stared at him, but didn't say a thing. Isak frown deepened and he was about to say something when Even finally spoke.

“What if I told you I wasn't supposed to be here, but that I just wanted to take a look at you?”

Isak snorted.

“I’d say it's enough jay for you,” Isak smiled nervously.

“What would you say if I told you we are together in other universes? In a lot of them?”

"Like I'm the love of your life or something like that? Don't you think it's a bit too forward?" said Isak raising both eyebrows at him, trying to keep it cool while his neurons were running inside his head, set on fire, screaming _we are flirting with a boy, we are flirting with a boy_. 

"No, Isak," said Even seriously. "I'm saying you're the love of all my lives."

Isak's mouth fell open, how could this guy say things like that while looking at him with those big eyes shining with meaning?

“I just needed to know,” said Even looking down at their hands laying close on the bed. “What is that in the atoms in your body that are supposed to make the atoms in mine scream. What is that in you that makes you so damn appealing to me. I just wanted to understand.”

“Dude, you’re very weird,” said Isak frowning.

“I mean, you aren't even that pretty,” continued Even looking down. 

“Oh, thanks,” shouted Isak bitterly.

“I'm sorry,” said Even looking at him again and raising his eyebrows apologetically. “You _are_ pretty. But I mean, it's complicated to fulfill expectations of a whole life.” 

Isak passed the joint back with a permanent frown on his face. But this time Even grabbed his fingers instead of pulling back.

“Am I feeling everything I’m supposed to feel? Should I feel it more?” he said raising his eyes to stare into Isak's soul. “Why you? Why you of all people? What makes you _you_?”

Isak gasped and pulled his hand back harshly. Something in Even's voice was making him uncomfortable, like he was being cornered. What the fuck was wrong with that guy.

They stayed silently sat beside each other. Isak's head spinning in confusion as they passed the joint back and forth, wordlessly.

“What color are your eyes?” asked Even not sparing a glance at him, with a severe expression on his face, like he had just asked _doctor, how many months_? 

“Green?” replied Isak, but it sounded like a question.

Even nodded solemnly, mouthing _green_ , then sighing.

“Ninety-nine point eight percent,” blurted out Even.

“Huh?”

“Isak, you and I, we’re final matches in fucking ninety-nine point eight percent of universes.”

“Final matches?”

“Final matches," repeated Even. "Like in true love, the one and only, soul mates. All this bullshit, whatever you want to call it.”

“How did you even come up with this number?” asked Isak grimacing.

“Actually is ninety-nine point seventy-eight, seventy-eight, seventy-eight...and go on and on,” said Even making circles in the air with his index finger. “Ending with a seventy-nine in the end. Even our rate number is odd, Isak, it has this weird pattern. What would you say about that, huh?”

“That you are a pretty precise lunatic?”

“Isak, you don't get it,” said Even sighing. 

“I don't get  _it_? Please tell me when I should starting understanding shit that you say,” shouted Isak. 

"Aaaah," let go Even frustrated, making Isak frown.

Even laid his whole body on the bed, resting his head on a pillow and crossing both his wrists on his forehead.

“Isak,” said Even, turning to Isak. “My parents, they have a pretty good rate. Their rate? Zero point eight. And this is huge, much higher than average. Isak, each one thousand universes they are final matches in eight of them. That is a lot. I knew a guy that had twenty-six, and he was a fucking legend. Us, Isak? Every one thousand universes we end together in fucking nine hundred ninety-eight. Isak, what do you say about that, huh?“ 

“Man, you just came up with all of this now? I'm impressed," said Isak staring open-mouthed.

Even took a glance at Isak, then covered his eyes with his arms, sighing in frustration. Isak stared back and didn't say a thing. _Man, this guy is having a hell of a trip._

“What about the other zero point two percent then?” asked Isak nonchalantly.

“The miracle of the miracle!” chuckled Even unamused, raising both arms above his body like saying _look at me_.

“This doesn't make any sense,” said Isak grimacing.

“Why?” asked Even, turning to his side to look at Isak, interested. 

“Let's not even talk about these numbers that you just came up with. Let's suppose they are accurate. How could you know you're in one of those zero point two percent?” 

“Simple,” said Even smiling sadly. “I don't have an Isak. You were never born in my universe, Isak.”

Isak stared back speechless, and he felt suddenly dizzy. All those beers and weed weren't helping. He laid down, with his head on the pillow.

“Your mother,” continued Even, making Isak turn to his side to look at him. “She fell in love with a man that wasn't your father. I mean, this happens a lot, but she always has you first. Every damn time, except in rare, rare occurrences. So yes, tell me how to fall in love with a ghost.”

Isak stared back speechless, then he burst out laughing so suddenly, nearly spitting on Even's face, that Even almost fell off the bed. And this only added to Isak's amusement. He threw his head back, to make it possible to breathe while his body was convulsing, laughing freely. And this was such a foreign feeling.

"I'm glad my tragic story is entertaining you," said Even amused, staring at Isak's face all the time. 

"Tragic?" said Isak breathless, laughing more and more. 

"Ok, I'm starting to feel better. You're just a jerk," laughed Even too. 

"So, there is this ninety-nine rate of something happening," said Isak grinning, looking at Even. "And you are the zero two percent?"

Even just nodded smiling.

Isak laughed like an idiot, rolling on the bed, hugging his stomach until it hurt, seeing Even looking at him puzzled.

"This is so fucked up, Isak," laughed Even together.

"Which part?" asked Isak breathless.

"All of this," said Even.

“Well, I'm an Isak," said Isak, stop smiling. "Where would it let you in this zero point two thing if you fell in love with me?” 

“We can't fall in love with people in other universes,” said Even simply. 

Isak snorted. 

“What?” chuckled Even.

“Such an ex-machina solution. C'mon, you could be more creative than that.”

Even grinned back.

"Well, isn't that kind of relieving in some way?" asked Isak.

"What do you mean?" frowned Even.

"Like, to me this ninety-nine shit seems kind of scaring, like you're just a puppet in the universe. No free will, this is slavery, Even" said Isak raising a finger between them, like to enforce his point. 

"Well, wouldn't you exchange free will for love?" asked Even. 

"No."

Even chuckled.

"You should rebel yourself, Even," shouted Isak, smiling. "You shouldn't fall in love with people that the universe chose you."

"I should rebel myself?" Even laughed. "Like how? Not falling in love with you?"

"Exactly," smirked Isak.

"Maybe you're right," sighed Even. "Maybe I'm the luckiest Even, after all. I mean, I saw you, you're great, but like, I have a ninety-nine expectation over here. No offense, dude." 

"Or maybe you just are the most unimpressionable Even?" asked Isak. 

"Or maybe you're the less lovable Isak?" Even laughed.

"What?" Isak shoved him softly. "I'm very lovable."

Even laughed until his eyes turned into a line. Isak stared back, pressing his lips firmly together to suppress a smile.

Isak wasn't recognizing himself. Was he really shoving a pretty boy on a bed? Jeez. But he was smiling, like never, so he pushed this thought aside, he could deal with this later.

"So, what happens when the most unimpressionable Even meets the less lovable Isak?" asked Isak amused.

"Oh my God, Isak," laughed Even.

 _Score_.

"Wait, wait," blurted out Isak, gaining Even's attention. "What if I'm the most lovable Isak, and you're the most unimpressionable Even? Who wins? Lovability or cynicism?

"Who wins?" chuckled Even. "You think this is a  crossover game?"

Isak shrugged, smiling.

"Isak," said Even.

"What?"

"Isak wins."

_Oh._

Even looked at him with the most intense blue eyes, making Isak's stomach give an uncomfortable twitch.

“So,” muttered Isak. “Am I gay in all those other universes?”

“I don't know,” said Even, softly. “I just know that in ninety-nine percent of them you get stuck with an Even.”

“What about my Even, then?”

“Huh?”

“Where is the Even in this universe?” asked Isak.

Even looked at him, opened his mouth, but remained wordless. He touched his upper teeth with his tongue, then licked his lips before shaking his head. 

“I don't know. It's not like I'm God. Maybe you’re stuck in the zero two percent too?”

“What is the chance of both of us being zero two percents?” said Isak grimacing.

“Actually is zero zero four.”

“Jeez, you really are into maths,” Isak laughed.

“Actually, I hate maths. I hate how with maths everything needs to be black or white, carved on stone. I hate it, but when you grow up hearing stuff like that all the time, you kind of absorb that by osmosis.”

“Fuck,” laughed Isak.

“What?”

“You’re so good at that! I almost believe it.”

Even smiled at him.

“Ok, so now you met me," said Isak.

"Now I met you," repeated Even. "Maybe now I can move on," he said staring at the ceiling.

“So we should just finish this,” replied Isak.

“You want me to go away?” asked Even confused. 

“No!” Blurted out Isak, then blushing with his reaction. “I mean, the joint. If you want it," he said shrugging. 

“I can see you blush a lot,” said Even amused.

“I don't blush a lot!” yelled Isak back.

“Isak, your head is completely red,” said Even pointing to Isak.

“Maybe I just have a red face," said Isak shoving his hand, seeing him chuckling in return.

“Uhu,” smiled Even. “It's ok, I'm sure all those Even's are probably very thrilled by that. 

“But not you?” asked Isak low, staring the sheet.

“Well, it's cute I guess. But it's not like I would write odes to this or something like that,” said Even.

“Ninety-nine expectation?” asked Isak raising an eyebrow.

“Ninety-nine expectation,” answered Even laughing again.

“But what about you, huh?”

“What about me?” asked Even frowning.

“Well, you know. Ok, you are nice to look at, you have great eyes, but it's not like you are a greek God yourself. You are freaking tall, it's scaring.“

“You think I'm nice to look at?” blurted out Even, delighted.

“Well, I mean, objectively speaking,” stuttered Isak, rolling his eyes and seeing Even smiling.

“And what is the problem with my height?” asked Even faking an offended voice.

“Cmon, we wouldn't even fit together.”

“I guess our parallel versions dealt with it pretty well. At least ninety-nine point eight percent of times.” 

“Maybe other Evens aren't that tall?” suggested Isak.

“I doubt that, we all share the same DNA. So yes, it's possible that in some environments I got slightly smaller or even bigger, but I'm pretty sure they have similar heights than me.”

“What about a verse where life isn't carbon-based? I'm pretty sure your DNA would be slightly different, Even.”

“This doesn't happen,” said Even chuckling.

“Why not?"

“I don't know. Blame God, Buddha, Allah or any divinity," said Even shaking his head. "Or maybe blame science, the universe, I don't fucking know. But people always have the same DNA.”

“In this case, I hope that at least my Even doesn't use his hair in this affected way.” 

“Wow," laughed Even. 

"Did I just touch a sensitive point?" smirked Isak.

"What is wrong with my hairstyle, Isak?” shrieked Even.

“I don't know, you just put too much effort into it.”

“Fuck you," said Even smiling. "What about you? _Look at my snapback backward, I'm such a rebel_.” 

“Fuck you!” yelled Isak back, but Even was chuckling, and he smiled back. “What about all these spots on your face?”

“What the fuck could be possibly wrong with that!?” shouted Even, shifting his body and getting closer. Isak almost gasped in surprise.

“What is this? A map? It's like you have a constellation on your face. It's very weird.”

“What about these separated teeth? I'm pretty sure even in this universe they can fix it.”

“People say it's cute!” stormed Isak.

“And what's is that with your temper? Are you always this sensible?”

“I'm not sensible!” yelled Isak.

“And just proved my point,” chuckled Even, looking up and to Isak again.

“Are all those Even's so fucking rude like you?” yelled Isak.

“I don't know. Maybe I'm the bluntest one?” smirked Even.

“You are the bluntest Even? From an infinite number of universes?” rolling eyes. “Maybe you are the most pretentious one?”

“Jeez, you’re so fucking annoying. What is that with the rolling eyes thing? What are you? Five?”

“Why do you even care? It's not your problem right? Didn't you say I'm not your Isak?” said Isak making quote signs with his fingers.

“Yeah," said Even getting serious again. "I guess I just don’t get all the fuss about you. It's not like I'm falling in love here.”

“Good for you," yelled Isak. "Since I'm not fucking gay!”

Even rolled his eyes.

“Hypocrite!” said Isak laughing, pointing to him.

Before he could prevent it, a pillow hit hard his face.

“You didn't do that!” yelled Isak, sitting on the bed. 

“What if I did?” laughed Even, sitting beside him.

Isak grabbed a pillow, hearing Even saying some _ho ho ho,_ before laughing. Isak lifted his pillow up, with a clear intention, when Even grabbed both his wrists. Isak tried to unleash his hands, squirming and moving, but never letting go of his weapon.

"Let me go!" yelled Isak.

"Drop the pillow, Isak. 

"I'm not doing anything, I swear" smiled Isak.

"Isak, you're smiling like the cat in Alice in Wonderland."

"Get away!" screamed Isak.

They struggled like idiots, laughing and trying to hold each other hands. They fell on the bed, wrestling and letting go some dork sounds between every laugh. They took turns straddling each other, rolling on the bed. And Isak was amused, but he didn't miss how Even's body felt warm. How nice it felt having a hard chest pressed against his. 

Right there, Isak wasn't the same Isak that arrived at that party. But he was liking that new version, even if it was such an alien one. Fuck, he was carefree, and that was fucking liberating. 

"Hey, hey, hey!" yelled Even earning Isak's attention. "Truce? No more pillows, ok? Ok?"

“Ok,” said Isak in a childish way, then dropping his pillow.

As soon as Even released his wrists, he felt a pillow hitting him hard in the face. He was knocked down, falling on the bed on his back. Even climbed onto him, beaming.

Isak stared back astonished. But before he could form any coherent thought Even pressed a pillow over his face for a couple of seconds. Then taking it away to glance at him. 

"I swear to..." yelled Isak, the end of the phrase being muffled by the pillow again.

Isak struggled to free himself, watching Even again taking the pillow away.

"I knew you were a serial killer!" yelled Isak chuckling.

Even put the pillow again, but Isak could feel him over him. All over him, actually. Even's chuckles shaking his entire body, giving him tickles everywhere.

Isak stopped fighting, staying completely still, just waiting surrendered Even deciding to release him. Fuck, was he really in a bed with a guy? In the middle of a party, where anyone could enter at any time? Where Jonas could step in? 

Isak started breathing hard, his mind spinning. He tried to take a deep breath, but the pillow in his face didn't allow him. He was growing anxious and anxious, feeling the air missing in his lungs. Isak started punching and struggling fiercely.

Even took the pillow away and looked confused at him. And this just made Isak feel worst. He knew this new version couldn't last.

"Stop it, ok!" shouted Isak, with his eyes closed, avoiding his glance.

"Hey, it's ok," said Even softly. "Look, the pillow is on the floor." 

Isak opened his eyes and found blue ones, so close, staring at him intensely, concerned.

"Ok?" insisted Even.

"Ok," muttered Isak.

Even threw himself beside Isak on the bed, then turning to face him again.

"Are you ok?"

Isak just nodded.

"Jezz, what was that, Isak?"

"I don't want to talk about it. Ok?" asked Isak shyly, looking at the ceiling, taking a glance at him.

"Ok," said Even softly.

"I discovered about you when I was fourteen," blurted out Even.

Isak turned to his side, to look at him inquisitively, silently encouraging him to continue.

"Even if it took my parents just five minutes to discover about you after I was born," said Even nonchalantly, like it was the most normal thing. Like they weren't talking about parallel universes staring at each other in a bed. Like they knew each other. Like it was just a regular Friday.

Isak didn't miss the absurdity of all of this. Neither how easily it was to be with him, how effortless it was to talk to him. Neither how pleasant it was to look at him. He smiled to himself.

“Why are you smiling?” asked Even smiling confusedly. 

“I don't know. I never felt so important,” chuckled Isak.

Even let go a half laugh, half sigh. 

“Tell me more,” said Isak low. 

"What do you want to know?"

Then Even yawned, and Isak watched mesmerized as he shouted his eyes closed, as his plump lips twisted into a big o, then as his lips were pressed together again with a pop sound.

Isak blinked a couple of times until he realized Even was looking at him with an amused and confused expression, waiting for his answer. 

"Hm," mumbled Isak. "Anything." And of course, he blushed.

“It took my parents five minutes to know I would be tall, ten minutes for them to discover all my shit genes, and fifteen until they found about you," said Even smiling fondly. "They didn't believe at first. Things like that simply don't happen, I mean, ninety-nine, right? This is basically like saying _hey, your son will be loved and cared_. It's a ninety-nine percent certainty."

Even smiled sadly seeing Isak's focused expression and continued. 

“It took them one week to discover about you, though. They were thrilled, they searched for you, and of course, they found out about you. Or about the absence of you. You simply didn't exist, and I was the fucking zero two percent at an almost perfect rate. How fucked up is that?”

“I'm sorry,” said Isak. He didn't know what to say, but he seemed sad, so it seemed just right.

“Why are you sorry, Isak?”

“I don't know. I don't like it,” said Isak feeling suddenly an emptiness that made his heart hurt.

“Don't be sad,” said Even leaning closer, then freezing on his way. “None of this is your fault.”

They stared at each other silently. Isak had never seen blue like that. 

"Isak?" asked Even as he was about to tell him a secret. 

"Yeah?" Isak's heart raced, and he didn't even know why. 

"I thought about you all those years," said Even looking directly into Isak's soul. "I know I'm supposed to let go, and who knows, maybe even find someone else, as unlikely as it is."

"Why didn't you do that then?" whispered Isak.

"I don't know. I get used to the thought of you," Even said that with such sincerity in his big eyes, that Isak's breath hitched.

“Don't say things like that,” whispered Isak locked in blue. 

“Why not?” muttered Even, looking at the sheets, then up again, getting closer, making Isak let go a soft gasp. “It's true.”

“It makes me believe in it,” said Isak averting his eyes, locking at Even's chest instead. _It makes me sad._

“Isak?” whispered Even with raised eyebrows, and a couple of soft frown lines on his forehead. 

They were so close that Isak could feel his scent playing games with his mind. The tip of their hairs tangled together, the same tone of blonde, making it impossible to say where each one started, while the rest of their bodies remained separated by an invisible, but much present, line.

“Yeah?” said Isak.

"Can you stay in here with me? Just a little longer?"

Isak just nodded, he didn't trust his voice at that moment. Even smiled like a child, and Isak's heart flipped inside him. 

They locked eyes silently. Green on blue. Isak looked into Even's eyes, really looked into them, roaming his eyes through every little detail there, every light ray seeming like waves in a very ocean blue. Isak stared until he could almost saw himself reflected on the bluest eyes he had ever seen. Even stared back with the same fiercely concentration, and Isak's heart clenched. Even's droopy eyes were looking back at him with a hint of sadness that made Isak uneasy. 

Even started closing his heavy lids, keeping them shut longer and longer, while Isak stared silently. Even seemed to be fighting it, but his gazes were becoming more and more spaced until he didn't open his eyes again. Isak started hearing his soft snorts, seeing his full lips parting. He seemed so young, so fragile like that. He seemed small.

 _Why are you so absurd? Why are you so sad?_  

Isak watched him, watched as he shifted softly, snuggling his nose against the pillow. Isak stared at the soft waves of his hair, watched when a loosen hair strand fell over his ear. He wanted to reach it, to tuck it behind Even's ear, but Isak couldn't make himself to move. So instead he kept studying the lines of his features, the delicate traces of his nose, then lingering his eyes over Even's cheeks and his chin. Isak wanted to contour him.

Isak stared for uncountable minutes, counting the spots on his cheek and his neck, trying to join them forming patterns on his head. Isak connected mentally every two spots on his face and smiled to himself. Even's face was full of "i" letters. He felt like waking him up and telling him that, just to see him smile again.

"You're beautiful," whispered Isak, in the loudest voice he was brave enough to let go.

Isak lowered his eyes to Even's big hand laying softly near his head. Isak slid his hand through the sheet slowly, stopping it where it was almost touching him, where he could nearly feel the ghost touch of Even's hand, where any little movement would make them touch. _Even, move!_

Even never did. Isak sighed and stared at both their hands, side by side, so close, even though so lonely. With an index finger, Isak contoured on the sheet the boundaries of Even's hands, his fingers, his wrist, being careful not to touch him. Isak raised his eyes at him, almost expecting him to wake up, and take his hand.

Isak closed his eyes just for a while, comforted by the rhythmic sounds of Even's breathing near him. Comforted by the thought of both their hands laying side by side. _Just for a second._

Next thing, Isak woke up startled, almost jumping from that bed, he had fallen asleep hardly. He snapped his head to the side and Even wasn't there anymore, and Isak's heart raced immediately. He slid his hands to his side of the bed, the sheets still holding his body format, still keeping his warmth. Isak sat on that bed disoriented. 

Isak brought a hand to rub his face harshly, rubbing his eyes repeatedly. He kept doing it, as to make it stop, this feeling growing inside him. Isak stared at Even's side of that bed again, his face falling and his eyes staring at nothing, and he all but pouted ridiculously. Isak rubbed his eyes, again and again, trying to wipe the ghost tears his body didn't know how to produce. Why the absence of Even felt so present inside him?

He stared at the sheet losing Even's shape already, vanishing away any proof of Even's presence in that room, of Even's presence at all. Isak felt like crying, even if tears wouldn't come to him. Isak put on his snapback again, keeping both his hands holding it firmly there, then closing his eyes.

 _I should have touched your hand._  

The door cracked open, hitting the walls loudly, startling Isak, who directed his eyes immediately to it.

 _Even_.

Even was standing by the door, looking at him with the same lost expression that Isak knew was showing in his eyes. 

It took the first movement of Even's legs to Isak to jump from that bed clumsily, almost falling, running to Even before his mind could form any conscious thoughts, losing his snapback in the middle. Even rushed to him in giant steps. They crashed their chests together someway in the middle, wrapping each other in a bone wrecking hug, holding each other to keep their balances after the abrupt halt.

“Just one hug,” whispered Even, pressing his hands on Isak's back and wrapping him tighter.

Isak sighed and snuggled closer, feeling suddenly warm with the touch of their front bodies glued together.

“You are not my Isak,” said Even, but pulling him closer. 

Isak pulled at him as he was afraid that after those words he'd go away, again, or disappear into the air if he didn't hold him tight enough.

“Will I see you again?” asked Isak low.

“You are not my Isak,” repeated Even sounding hurt.

“Please?” asked Isak, feeling his heart getting sore. 

Even sighed and pulled away, looking at Isak, smiling sadly. He didn't answer him, his eyes roaming all through Isak's face. 

“I promise you, Isak, you will be ok, Ok?” said Even intensely, nodding questioningly. “Ok?”

Isak didn't answer. Instead, he pulled on Even's hoodie strings, as to keep him there.

“I'm sorry putting you through this,” said Even looking down, chasing Isak's face staring down at his chest, and sounding sad. 

Even brought a hand to Isak's cheek, brushing his thumb softly there, making Isak shut his eyes closed for an instant before raising them, shyly.

“Happy birthday, baby,” said Even.

“You knew that?” muttered Isak looking in Even's blue eyes, and losing himself there a little bit.

“Sometimes I think I know you more than I know myself, Isak.”

Even caressed the frown formed between Isak's eyes. Isak closed his eyes and leaned into the touch, tilting his chin up instinctively. 

“It’s ok,” Even whispered, planting a soft kiss on Isak's forehead, then sliding his thumb one last time over Isak’s cheek. And then, when Isak opened his eyes again, he was gone, even if his scent was still in the air.

Isak kept there, stood up in the middle of that room, fighting to figure out shit, struggling to breathe. Shaking his head harshly, trying to make the feelings go away. 

But they didn't.

 

.

 

“Hey, bro,” said Jonas reaching him on the stairs, smiling softly at him. “We were looking for you, birthday boy.” 

Isak didn't answer. Isak didn't smile. Isak nearly breathe.

“Hey, you good?" asked Jonas frowning with his thick eyebrows.

Isak let his eyes linger on Jonas' face for too long, he hadn't inside him the motivation to hide the emotions on his face anymore.

_I’m fine._

Isak shook his head, silently, seeing Jonas eyes widening in surprise.

"Jonas," said Isak low, like testing his voice.

"Are you ok?" 

"No," said Isak almost choking, "I'm not ok, Jonas. I'm not ok. Ok? I don't know what ok is. I'm feeling dead inside, dead, Jonas. I'm fucking broken. And Jonas, I don't like girls, ok? I don't, I'm sorry. I tried, but if I need to kiss a girl one more time I will suffocate. I can't breathe Jonas. I like boys and I can't breathe. You have no idea how bad it gets sometimes. Sometimes I can't breathe. I'm saying that I can't literally breathe. You have any idea how it feels to have his lungs closing and your mind shutting down? I can't sleep and I don't want to lose you. But I can't do this anymore. I'm not ok. I'm not. And I'm gay." 

Isak didn't realize when Jonas wrapped him in his arms shouting something like _Fuck, Isak_. Isak didn't even register when he brought a hand to hold the back of his head before pulling him closer, as you do with a baby. Isak stayed there, still, inert, with his arms dangling along his body, his mind in a state of numbness. 

Then something incredible happened, Isak breathed.

Isak let go the deepest of the breaths, coming out of him like a vulcan bursting out in lava. And Isak, for the first time in years, he finally, finally cried. He held on Jonas, burying his hands on his shoulder and sobbed his heart out, Isak cried freely, the tears washing his face and cleaning his soul, sobs coming from him uncontrollably, shaking both their bodies, in the middle of that stair.

"It's going to be ok," whispered Jonas repeatedly, rocking them slowly.

Isak let himself believe it for the first time, and with every sob, a new brush of sparkling blue outshined the gray. Isak's brand new sixteen heart was pulsating, blue, blue, blue.

That night, it changed everything.

Including the color of his own renewed heart.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of inspirations:  
> \- Hang the DJ (Black Mirror Serie)  
> \- Comet (Movie 2014)  
> \- Tom Rosenthal's songs, especially "Let it out" (chapter title) and "It's ok" (fanfic title)  
> \- Isak looking Even sleeping: https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-H3Qn3ZsaDUc/WI2GIuMYZOI/AAAAAAAAD_I/OVZK8D_4ReQbErU_tib8fKUwpYmZtHyvQCLcB/s1600/Isak%2Band%2BEven%2BIn%2BBed.JPG  
> <3
> 
> And it all started with a Rick and Morty idea, who'd say that :p
> 
> You can't imagine what your kudos and comments mean to me.  
> Thanks.  
> <3
> 
> PS: I was conflicted between making it a one-shot or a multi-chaptered verse. Would you like to read more about this verse? Please let me know.


	2. Northern Lights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck, thank you so much for the amazing response to the first chapter.  
> You made me soooo fucking excited about this whole verse.  
> I loved all the theories and talking with you. Fuck, I laughed so much at all the terms you created, Parallel!Even, Isakless Even, 0.2/99.8 Evens and Isaks.
> 
> I wish I could write faster for you. I'm trying, I write basically every single day, but I guess I'm just too slow. I hope you can still stick with me even though.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter.
> 
> PS: Again, I suggest you (ok, I beg you), to listen to the linked song, it will make it much more emotional.

_White Doves - Cider Sky_

_<https://open.spotify.com/track/5HKOIDRrbykIXPqOiVHE4e?si=fHpLNXJpQgyRsIz_TKrpWw> _

 

Isak counted seven brown spots on Even's left cheek at that night, the exact same number of Evens studying at Nissen. None of them were Even, though. No one had parted heart-shaped lips when sleeping.

That seven spots when combined resulted in twenty-one unique "i" letters written over his skin, which was the same amount of Evens befriended with Isak's friends on Facebook. But no one was the Even with thick blonde eyelashes that had Isak longing to feel them with his lips.

Infinite. That was the number of Evens living in Oslo. Isak scrolled down, down, down, with his heart sinking at every new picture revealed. Not a single boy was the one with seven soft spots on his left cheek.

Isak couldn't find his Even.

 

**Another Fredag, another party.**

_Silent shore_  
_I see you waving_  
_One last word_ _  
But I can't hear you_

Isak still had this vivid memory inside him, of his stupid, and ridiculously pretentious hair. Isak looked for that blonde waves in every guy, everywhere, only finding the resemblance of it in the mirror. Even was present in him. And Isak was trying, he was looking for him.

 

**Another Fredag, another party.**

Isak still remembered the feelings in that night, flowing like a river towards an ocean, powerless and powerful. Even was the most natural thing to have ever happened to him. He was just effortless.

There was no explanation, Even was nothing, but Isak still felt him everywhere. That wasn't supposed to be a thing, Even was just a random guy with fantastic stories over the weed, but Isak couldn't get him out of his head.

 

**Another Fredag, another party. Same house.**

_And I don't dare try_  
_I don't know how to say goodbye_  
_Goodbye_

Isak ran upstairs skipping a lot of steps, storming into that room still smiling. Then his face fell, his heart as well. Even wasn't there.

Isak roamed his eyes sadly through that room, frowning at the sight of something on the floor. Resting there, right in the spot where they said goodbye, it was a tiny flower, a small yellow dandelion.

 _This is the end I know_  
_I know_

With an uncoupled and confused heart, longing for something he didn't even know, Isak sat on the floor, grabbing the small flower delicately, like it was utter fragile.

Isak sat there, for hours and hours, staring blankly at the door, just hoping and hoping. Until, at some point in the night, Isak closed his eyes and sighed. He tucked the flower behind his ear carefully, then hugging himself and withering, letting loneliness slowly fill him until his bones. But it was ok, loneliness had always been a friend of him.

Isak's heart silenced that night.

 

**Another Fredag, another party.**

Isak kissed a boy, for the first time. He finally discovered the warmth of a boy's lips, and it was amazing, it felt ok, it felt just right. So what was that inside him yelling _wrong, wrong, wrong_? He had kissed a boy, but why did it feel like he had kissed _another_ boy?

Isak still felt things inside him, whenever he thought about Even, even if he didn't understand why.

 

**Another Fredag.**

Time took Even from Isak, one piece at a time, and then in batches. The crinkles by his eyes, and how exactly it felt to be in his arms. Isak forgot how exactly deep Even's voice was. Isak forgot how bright was his smile. Isak couldn't quite remember the delicate shape of his nose anymore, or how cute it was when he snuggled it against the pillow. Isak forgot how it warmed him inside.

Time stole everything but his blue eyes.

 

**Another Fredag.**

Even became this blurry and sweet ghost, his last thought before sleeping. And Isak had this stupid fantasy that somewhere, somehow, Even was also thinking about him. Some nights, sometimes, if Isak closed his eyes, he could pretend Even was there, just beside him, snuggling against a pillow and breathing rhythmically. Even became his sweetest lullaby.

And it was enough most of time, but some nights loneliness hit him hard, it covered him like a heavy blanket, and then he missed him most. He wished he was there, so badly, looking into his eyes until Isak forgot his own name. Isak wanted that boy, and he felt it in his bones and deeper.

Isak still had the blue.

 

**Another Fredag.**

But eventually, heartbreakingly, Isak forgot. He forgot how amazingly blue were his eyes. And the night he realized that he cried on his bed. He cried and sobbed like a child for no reason, and he didn't know how to make it stop, Isak was just learning how to cry, after all.

But Isak didn't know how to say goodbye yet.

****Another Fredag.** **

Isak still, still had him inside, somewhere, it was still there. Isak still, still needed him at night, when all the demons were real.

Isak still thought about Even.

Still.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Another Fredag.**

Still.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Another Fredag.**

Still.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Another Fredag.**

Still.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Another Fredag.**

Still.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Another Fredag.**

Still.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Another Fredag.**

Still.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Another Fredag.**

Still.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Another Fredag.**

Still.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Another Fredag.**

Still.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Another Fredag.**

Still.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Another Fredag.**

Still.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Another Fredag.**

Still.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 **Another Fredag, another party. Same house.**  

Still.

Isak once again peeked into that room, promising it was the last time, promising to let it go. He always did. But the flame of hope wouldn't leave him. He didn't rush anymore though, he just dragged his body upstairs, sliding his hand lazily on the railings, ignoring his stupid racing heart. It was all the same, every damn time, only to head back once again with a somber face and a sinking heart.

"So, that blonde guy in the denim jacket...do we know him?" asked Jonas nonchalantly, passing the beer bottle they were sharing back to Isak.

"What?" blurted out Isak, almost dropping the bottle.

"He hasn't stopped looking at you since we arrived," said Jonas laughing, nodding his head to one side of the room.

Isak lost his heart before snapping his head to the point where Jonas was pointing. And then his face fell off. Of course, it wasn't him. Isak was so fucking stupid. He should know better at this point. It wasn't him, it would never be him.

 _Him_. Isak didn't think about his name anymore, it seemed dumb, like a creepy stalker that couldn't let go. Isak stopped thinking about his stupid name with the same amount of letters than Isak's one. Stupid, stupid and lovely name.

But Isak still had him in his mind, still had him under his skin. He was always there, every minute of the day, dormant, incubated, but constantly present. Even if he wasn't a well-defined concept anymore, just a fuzzy blue and a feeling buried deep inside, only allowed before sleeping.

Isak let that older blonde boy drag him to an empty room and lick into his mouth. Isak allowed him to tilt his head to the side, and to suck on his neck, feeling things inside his whole body, except his twisted blue heart. Isak felt aroused and groaned, grinding unconsciously against his leg, but his heart was still, beating steadily.

“I like your hair,” breathed the boy on his neck.

“I like your hair, too,” panted Isak, tilting his head more and more to the side.

"Who is that?" the boy asked nonchalantly, peppering kisses along Isak's neck.

"What?" frowned Isak over the crazy mess of blonde hair under him.

"The person you're thinking about," asked the guy softly, pulling away to look at Isak with his light hazel eyes.

"I'm not thinking about anyone, what the fuck," grimaced Isak.

The boy, Daniel was his name, sighed fondly.

"You are cute, Isak. But you, my friend, you are thinking about someone," he said it with a finger bumping Isak's nose.

“What the fuck are you talking about, dude?” Isak shoved his hand.

“It's ok,” said Daniel, smirking softly at Isak. “Everyone has someone they can't let go.”

Isak didn't answer, his frown deepening. _What the fuck is wrong with this guy?_

“I can kiss you like him,” he said with an unreadable expression.

Isak pulled back with both hands on his chest, then taking some steps back.

“How did he kiss you?” insisted Daniel low.

Isak licked his lips, shaking his head slowly, unbelievably, just about to say some harsh things to that weirdo, who was staring back with a raised eyebrow.

Isak didn't go there, not in the middle of a party, not in front of a random guy. He never thought about how they had never been a thing. How Isak had never got to feel that plump lips over him. All they had had was one night, a hug, and that was all. But more than enough to make Isak a mess, ridiculously attached to a shadow of someone who would never claim the lips so eagerly wishing for him.

“Slow,” blurted out Isak, surprising even himself. _What are you doing? Shut up!_ “He kissed me slowly.”

Isak's breath hitched as the guy started moving, stepping in, hugging Isak by his waist.

“Like this?” said Daniel, pressing a chaste kiss to Isak's mouth, keeping his lips there a little longer.

Isak just nodded quickly.

“What else?” whispered Daniel over his mouth.

“He...he...” stuttered Isak, averting his eyes, like a child, shyly trying to ask an adult something. “He kissed me touching my cheek.”

“Ok. Like that?” said Daniel raising a hand to cup Isak’s face, mechanically.

_Not like that._

“Yes,” muttered Isak anyway, still not meeting his eyes.

“It’s ok, Isak,” reassured Daniel, chasing Isak's lowered eyes. “I get it.”

Daniel pressed a couple more lingering pecks to Isak's lips, and Isak allowed him, staying still, with his mind getting heavier and heavier.

“Hm,” mumbled Isak unsurely, then freezing, stopping himself before letting anything even more stupid come from his mouth.

“Hey," said Daniel squeezing the thumb against Isak's cheek. "I won't judge you.”

“Can you...” started Isak, fixing his eyes on Daniel’s jaw. “Can you say _Happy birthday, baby_ before kissing me?”

“Is it your birthday today?” asked Daniel surprised.

Isak shook his head, blushing.

Daniel let go a half sigh, half smile.

“I can do that,” muttered Daniel, nodding softly.

Isak's heart was jumping in his chest, and this was something new, something of scaring,  but exciting too. Daniel brought the hand that wasn't on his cheek to gently lift his chin up. They locked eyes, and suddenly Isak felt raw, like revealing too much of something he never dared to expose completely even to himself. Isak looked into that hazel, seeing the same vulnerabilities he knew was showing in his own eyes. It was too much to face at the same time. Isak dropped his eyes closed, breathing heavily, and waiting.

“Happy birthday, baby,” whispered Daniel tenderly, then pressing their mouths gently together, stifling a hurtful sigh Isak wasn't expecting to release.

Daniel kissed him, on the verge of too slow. Isak kissed him back, panting in the softest of the kisses, with his heart pulsating like crazy. Isak allowed himself, Isak released every single feeling of him locked deep inside. Isak faced the feelings that made his heart uneasy, that made it hurt. Isak confronted them all.

Daniel opened his mouth slowly while caressing his cheek in circles. It wasn't quite right, but Isak thought only of the blue the whole time, welcoming his tongue brushing his own. And suddenly it was him, all the feelings smacking him hard in the middle of his chest. Glimpses of someone's body laid by his side, closing heavy lids and hidden the prettiest tone of blue.

Isak kissed slowly, reliving a memory of something that had never happened, reliving feelings he had fought to lock in. He wanted him so badly, no matter how less than a thing they had ever been, Isak's entire body screamed at the mere thought of him. For him and him only. And that was just how it was. Isak pulled that body closer and closer, then whimpering when nothing was close enough, when he couldn't feel all the fullness of lips he was expecting, he wanted to bring him back. _Him_.

"Wow," said Daniel, breaking their kiss. "Are you ok?"

"I miss him," whined Isak, raising his sad eyes to look at him, like saying _please, make it stop_.

"I know, baby," Daniel sighed sadly, pressing their foreheads together. “I have someone, too.”

They stared at each other silently, with sad, sad eyes, arms wrapped around each other. Isak's heart was aching, but he felt a little bit less lonely staring at another solitary soul.

 

.

 

They ended sitting across each other in a corridor, clinking their beer bottles, and ignoring people passing between them.

"So, what is his name?" asked Daniel nonchalantly, taking a sip of his beer while staring at Isak.

Isak grimaced in return. His name wasn't something he conceded himself to have anymore.

"Ok," chuckled Daniel. "No names. Understood."

"It's because putting a name to it, just makes everything more real, you know?" replied Isak, trying to justify himself.

"Isak, I get it, ok?" said Daniel looking into Isak's eyes. "You don't need to tell me that, ok?"

"Ok," answered Isak, taking a deep breath. "So, you aren't from here, right?" said Isak pointing his beer to him.

"Nope," Daniel took a sip. "Tromsø. Moved here like five months ago."

"No Nissen?"

Daniel shook his head.

"Bakka, third year."

Isak nodded in agreement.

"And what's your problem?" blurted out Isak, seeing him choking on his beer.

"My problem?" chuckled Daniel.

"I mean, we both clearly have problems," said Isak shrugging, but smiling.

"Ok. In this case, my problem is a guy back there. You wouldn't like to hear it, cliche story, the popular boy and the nerdy one, falling in love under the starry Tromsø sky."

"What happened?" frowned Isak.

"Life," sighed Daniel.

"C'mon," Isak rolled his eyes, seeing Daniel laughing. Isak felt satisfied with himself, this look suited him, much more than the sad one. It was a shame he didn't smile more often.

"Isak, I'm being one hundred percent honest when I say that I have no fucking clue what went wrong. Everything went to hell and I don't know how even start explaining it," he sighed again. Isak noticed this was something he probably did a lot. "I fell in love with the most annoying person in the world, he was so fucking enervating, so full of himself. And of course, I fell head over heels for him. And it turned that he liked to bother me, especially me over all other people. And I thought he was in love too, I don't know anymore. Maybe he was, it seemed like that when he kissed me, I don't know if anyone could fake what we had. He said it, over and over again, and I believed in him at that time. But it didn't work out anyway. I wasn't enough, so I ran away. Whatever, enough of me, what is your story, Isak?"

"Me?" Isak chuckled humorlessly. "I don't even have a story."

"C'mon," said Daniel kicking Isak's thigh softly.

"I'm serious, it was only a night," Isak looked down at his lap. "I know, ridiculous, right?"

"Isak, you're allowed to feel what you feel, ok?" said Daniel, leaning in and holding Isak's arm firmly. "Don't ever be ashamed of feeling, ok? Now tell me your story."

Isak smiled at him and told him. Isak talked and talked and suddenly he couldn't stop anymore. Isak spilled every single word he hadn't been brave enough to tell anyone else, because there was nothing to tell, because there was no reasonable explanation for any of Isak's feelings. He rambled, just pausing while one of them were heading back to the kitchen to grab more beers. He told Daniel about his "him", about his fears. At every new beer, he spilled more and more feelings out of him. Daniel absorbed every single word nodding attentively. And for one night Isak didn't feel ashamed of his feelings. For one night they seemed reasonably valid.

Isak took a deep breath, and Daniel whistled.

"I won't lie to you, Isak. I'm drunk, ok?" said Daniel raising both eyebrows.

"I guess I'm drunk too," laughed Isak freely. He felt so light, so fucking light.

“Fucking cheers to that!" said Daniel bringing his bottle to click their beers, missing it at the first attempt and trying it again, while Isak laughed.

"Ok, that said, Isak," he said staring at the floor for seconds before continuing, looking at Isak and taking way too long to focus his eyes. "I think we should lay here before I give my verdict."

"Here?" Isak raised his eyebrows, but being dragged down by Daniel before being able to complain, until they were both spread out in the middle of that corridor floor. "Don't you think maybe we're in people's way?"

"What?" shrieked Daniel, loudly. "Hey, you, girl in the red skirt. Yes, you!"

"Oh my God, Daniel, shut up," laughed Isak.

"You think we are bothering people being here?"

"No," replied the girl looking back at them nonchalantly. "I think that is a very reasonable place to lay during a party. You're both doing great," she gave them a forced smile and thumbs up before heading back to the party.

"See, Isak," he tapped Isak's shoulder. "That lovely lady said we are doing great. And reminded me why I'm gay at the same time."

"Sarcasm, have you ever..." started Isak being silenced by Daniel bringing a finger to his lips.

"Shhh."

"Get off," Isak shoved his hand, giggling.

"I'm sorry," Daniel laughed, followed by Isak. "Always wanted to do that."

"Idiot," Isak rolled his eyes.

"Isak," said Daniel, shifting his body to lay on his side and look at Isak, suddenly serious again.

"What?" asked Isak low frowning.

"You found it," he said.

"What?" Isak shook his head confused.

"You found your Northern Light," said Daniel softly.

"My what?" burst out Isak.

"Have you ever seen Northern Lights, Isak? I mean, the real thing, right above you in the sky?"

Isak shook his head, confused.

"When you see something like that, Isak, it's an experience you won't ever forget. It takes your breath away, it makes you weak in the legs," he said laying on his back and staring at the ceiling before continuing. "From where I come, people say when you find someone that makes you feel this way, you just found your Northern Light."

"What is the point?" shouted Isak, making him look at him again, frowning.

"What?"

"I won't ever see him again. He isn't my Northern Light," he said low.

"It doesn't matter, Isak. He's it for you," he said back.

Isak's face fell off.

"Hey," said Daniel shoving him gently. "You never know when you're gonna see Northern Lights."

"Why couldn't I fall in love with you?" burst out Isak, immediately regretting it.

Daniel smiled softly.

"I'd treat you good, Isak," he touched Isak's face quickly.

"I'd treat you better," replied Isak.

Daniel rolled his eyes.

"We'd never fall in love, right?" asked Isak low.

Daniel shook his head. "I think we have both already been hit by our Northern Lights."

"We are both screwed up, right?" asked Isak.

"What?" blurted out Daniel. "You aren't screwed up, Isak."

Isak looked puzzled at him.

"Isak, we're gonna find your guy, and then you'll finally have your love story. A beautiful one, what about that?" Daniel smiled brightly.

"I tried it, it's like he is a ghost," said Isak.

"Isak! Maybe he is a ghost!" said Daniel with his mouth falling affectedly. "Maybe all this parallel universes thing was a way to tell you he wasn't in this plane. In the material one!"

Isak rolled his eyes again.

"But I'm serious, Isak. I may be drunk, but I promise you, I'll help, ok?"

Isak nodded shyly.

"How is it?" asked Isak suddenly.

"What?" said Daniel laying by his side again.

"How is it? To have someone and then lose it?"

"It's like with you," he smiled sadly. "One thousand times worse."

 

.

 

Isak said goodbye, hugging Daniel, recording their numbers on each other phones as they both smiled at each other. Isak waved to Jonas across the room and headed out. He called it a night. He called it a crazy and absurd night. And this was becoming Isak's favorite ones. The most amazing things happened on crazy nights.

Isak walked home with his heart light, looking for his gloves in his pockets, and when he looked at his hands they were green. Isak frowned, looking at the sky. And the sky was burning. Isak's mouth fell, the black sky and the bright stars were still there, but covering them all was that gigantic lightly mass, dancing like the wind, colorful,  breathtaking. Green, green, green. Isak laughed before realizing it. Right in the middle of Oslo sky, fucking Northern Lights.

Isak looked around in urge, was anyone else noticing that lights? There was no one nearby, just Isak. He tilted his head to the skies, raised his arms above his head and laughed openly. Isak's heart exploding and melting, all at the same time, as the lights gave him a particular show at that night.

Isak ran home, trying to chase the lights in the sky, laughing and screaming like an idiot. He looked up and up, jumping, and smiling, and laughing. It was immense, it was moving and morphing all the time. It was the most beautiful thing Isak had ever seen in his life.

He reached his building with his chin to the sky, still didn't quite believing it was real, Jonas certainly wouldn't believe him. Maybe he should record it. Isak rushed to find his phone in his pockets, lowering his eyes from the lights for the first time, still smiling, and then he saw it. Standing right in front of him, two fucking steps away, covered by a lot of layers, but still him. _Him_.

“Even,” shouted Isak with his mouth on his chin, dropping his phone on the floor, hearing the sound of broken glass and didn't even caring enough to reach for it.

“Isak,” whispered Even, looking into Isak's eyes, and Isak flinched. _The blue, the blue._ Isak wasn't crazy, that were the bluest eyes Isak had ever seen, even there, at night. It gave him goosebumps.

Isak felt everything coming back, hitting him suddenly. It was such a lame thought for that moment, but Isak remembered about Matrix, when people had things programmed to their brains, kung fu, martial arts, at the snap of a finger. It was the same with Isak, his mind getting fast flashes, glimpses of a night, all coming back, the laughs, the warmth, the spots. All of it exploding in his mind. Isak smiled brightly.

Isak looked, really looked at Even, with his smile mewling. Even was there, but also were the dark circles by his eyes, the pale tone of his skin. His hair disheveled under his beanie, under the hood, under the sky, still giving them a show, now completely ignored. Something was wrong.

Isak stepped in without giving a second thought and wrapped him, Even and all his layers, he pressed him close against his body, he tried to impress him on his skin. Even was repeating a mantra non-stop _I’m sorry, I'm sorry_. Isak frowned and noticed him shaking.

“Why are you shaking, Even?” yelled Isak pulling away to look at him, still keeping both arms firmly on his back.

“I'm so sorry,” whispered Even looking down.

“Even, look at me,” asked Isak bringing both hands to Even's face and shivering feeling how cold he was. “Oh my God, you are freezing.”

Isak took his scarf off and wrapped it against Even's neck, tucking it under his chin, then rubbing his hands over his cheeks.

“What’s wrong, Even?” asked Isak with an urge. “Just tell me.”

Even focused his eyes on Isak.

“It got too bad,” his voice was shaking. “I don't think I can fight my head anymore. I’m so tired, I just want to give up.”

“Shhh,” said Isak hugging him again, tightly, until his lungs were fighting for air. Even was still shaking and Isak's heart was clenching inside.

“I shouldn't be here.”

Isak instinctively pressed him tighter. _Don't leave._

“You did right, Even.”

“No, I didn't,” Even choked up and Isak's heart skipped a beat. “I'm sorry.”

“You did right, baby,” said Isak over his shoulder, noticing him hugging him tighter. Isak sighed in relief and kept repeating it. “You did right. You did right, baby. You did so right, baby.”

Even fell apart after that, sobbing and crying over Isak's shoulder like a child, throwing all his weight over him, wrapping Isak's waist almost hurtfully, but Isak didn't care a shit. Isak's heart was breaking in pieces at every new sound coming from Even's mouth. Isak didn't know what to do or what to think, he just buried his hands on Even's back and started rocking him slowly in his arms.

“I'm here,” whispered Isak in his ear, over and over again. “I'm here, baby. You're not alone.”

Even was still sobbing uncontrollably, and Isak didn't know what he was doing, but he rocked Even non-stop, and then started humming a sweet lullaby. He let the sweet song fill the air, until at some point Even's sobbing stopped, and that was the only sound in that freezing night.

Isak lost track of time, he lost track of how many minutes he spent rocking a silent Even and humming a sweet lullaby. He lost track of his thoughts, they weren't important, he could deal with them later. Isak hummed that sweet song as if it was the most important thing in the world, he did it until at some point Even joined him, humming it while they rocked each other.

Isak completely and whole-minded forgot about the burning sky over them. Even was there, and nothing could even compare to the explosion inside his own heart. The skies were green and Isak's whole mind and heart were blue.

_You are my Northern Light._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspirations:  
> \- Daniel was inspired by this model Max Barczak: http://www.chicmanagement.com.au/profile/1390/max-barczak/  
> * especially this photo: http://chic.com.s3.amazonaws.com/chic/maxbarcza/1.jpg  
> \- "As Long as You Love Me" song, "Sleeping at Last" cover  
> \- And of course the song in the beginning "White Doves" by "Cyder Sky"
> 
> What do you think about my lame time jump resource? :p  
> And I'm curious about something, did anyone ever read it listening to the linked songs?
> 
> I was so nervous about this whole Daniel thing. I hope it didn't make you mad.
> 
> Please, let me know what do you think about all of this, and what are your theories so far.  
> Parallel!Even made a new appearance!


	3. About Angels

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the comments and sweet, sweet words. They meant the world.
> 
> Previously in It's Ok:  
> Isak couldn't find Even, the mysterious guy he met at a party. After months, he still had him inside, even if he went to parties, kissed boys, lived. Even was always there.  
> Isak met a guy called Daniel, who made him acknowledge his feelings for Even, they were real.  
> In the end, Isak got to see Northern Lights in Oslo sky and his personal light in front of him. They hugged and everything was fine, except that Even was shaking and Isak was calling him baby.

 

_Love, Lay Me Blind - The White Birch_

[ _https://open.spotify.com/track/3SnfwmsRW5LGSiuXGzrcwj?si=BIAbbuDlQ2SPyMvGjkq35Q_ ](https://open.spotify.com/track/3SnfwmsRW5LGSiuXGzrcwj?si=BIAbbuDlQ2SPyMvGjkq35Q)

 

_He looks like a fucking angel._

It wasn't like Isak didn't have this memory, of a charming blonde boy with eyes the color of the sky. It was constantly there, dancing in the back of his mind, living within him, for months. Isak always acknowledged Even was beautiful, objectively speaking. But right there, staring at Even fast asleep by his side, in the dim light of his room, just one touch away, Isak came to the sole realization Even looked like an angel.

Rather than in a sappy or exaggerated meaning though, and despite his humming heart, Isak stated Even literally looked like an angel. That kind of stupid, classical baroque one, those ridiculous chubby baby angels. Isak was pretty sure Even was like they'd look like if they ever got to grow up, if they ever lost that baby fat and gained an angular jaw. If they ever got to enchant green-eyed boys at parties in ways Isak's mind couldn't rationalize.

Once he read beauty lived in geometry planes and proportion, in symmetry. But Even's beauty existed in every individual detail, from his well-designed lips to the soft waves of his blonde hair. He had those marked blushes on his cheeks, over a way too pale skin, which only added to his angelical image. Under the moonshine invading the room through the sheer yellow curtains, Even seemed made of porcelain. Several times Isak had to make a conscious effort to suppress the urge to brush his skin.

Isak stared at that figure by his side like one stares a mythical creature, like a mortal to an angel. Isak roamed his eyes through Even's face, droopy eyelids, lingering at every piece. Even was a fucking angel, despite all those things that made him feel so real. Like his ruined chapped lips, or the numerous pimples covering his forehead, or the disordered arrangement of the spots on his face.

Even was real, and his presence filled Isak's whole room, Isak's whole being. He had that tiny little scar on his chin and probably a story behind it. He had a scent, then impregnated on Isak's best pillow. He had a body warmth and a weight, marking the sheets that Isak was stalling to change for weeks. Isak finally, finally had him where he had had him all those past nights, just that now Even was concrete, breathing, laying beside an Isak seeing him with a clear mind for the first time.

Isak tried to make sense of things in his head, watching him as he slept. Isak observed him, and it was like he was trying to figure him out.

Why him? And why so much? Why did it make Isak's heart clench if at the deepness of his slumber he didn't quite look peaceful, but defeated, like someone that simply gave up to tiredness? Why did Isak's heart feel so heavy at the sight of Even's fingernails dug into his palm? And just why, why this beautiful boy was so, so sad?

Isak had brought him home, to his room, to his very bed, no questions asked, watching with his heart in his throat as Even weakly peeled off all his layers, revealing a guy in dark tee and dark expression, disheveled hair and seeming so lost. They had laid facing each other, and Even wouldn't say a thing, so Isak had stayed there staring back with big green eyes. Isak got to see right in front of him Even's eyes, still shining from the tears, still blue, blue, blue, looking back at him petrified. He had seemed broken, and this broke Isak's heart.

Isak had muttered _It's ok_ , repeatedly, in an attempt to eliminate the sadness in those eyes, as Even just stared back noiseless, looking at Isak like he wanted to absorb every one of his words. He watched Isak like he couldn't quite believe he was real, like he was expecting him to disappear at any moment. Isak had never been looked that way, not like that, like he held the moon and the stars, not by the bluest tearing eyes, it was almost unbearable, as feelings screamed in the silence of his body. Isak would never have imagined hearts could race like that just with feelings.

Isak had called him baby on that sidewalk and that had made Even give up on his arms. Isak called him baby several times after that, just whispers between every comforting word, every time lighting up a spark in his chest that Isak wasn't sure he’d manage to contain later. And Even didn't say a word, but Isak watched as he melted on that mattress, letting his wet eyelids closed longer and longer, until they finally didn't open again.

Isak hadn't been able to make himself sleep, not when Even was there, so soft, so defenseless, so touchable. To not touch him was nearly painful, his whole being begged for it. Isak was fighting those thoughts, lingering his eyes at Even's hand laying beside his head, when his phone vibrated non-stop. Isak flew to grab it, sneaking a look at Even, that was still knocked out.

Isak averted his eyes from him sighing, turning to his back, unlocking his phone and noticing then the spider webs drawn all over the broken glass. And the thing was, Isak didn't have a drop of anything in his body giving a single shit about it. He simply couldn't care, not when Even was blowing a warm breeze on his neck. Honestly? Fuck the glass, fuck the phone. He just rushed to decrease the brightness of his screen.

There were two notifications, one of them the message he had sent to himself from Daniel’s phone. Fuck, had all of that happened just a couple hours ago? It seemed like years, like the whole world outside stopped existing.

Isak sent the message quickly and jumped to next notification.

  
  
  


_Fucking babysitter_. Isak rolled his eyes until they almost popped from his head. But a warm feeling spread inside his chest, making him smile grudgingly while looking at his ruined phone.

Isak turned his head to steal a casual glance at the boy on his side when his heart gave a leap. He gasped in surprise as he was met with sleepy blue eyes fixed on him.

_Oh._

“Hi,” said Isak, not missing how shaking his voice sounded.

“Hi,” Even spoke in a sleepy raspy voice, sending shivers throughout Isak's entire body. Even turned to his back and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath.

Even looked up to stare blankly at the ceiling, blinking slowly with his blonde eyelashes framing his blue eyes. Isak stared back dumbfounded, they were so fucking blue, it was almost intolerable.

“What time is it?” asked Even mechanically, taking a glance at the darkness out the window.

“Around four or something,” answered Isak low, watching him fixedly, with both hands hidden under his pillow.

“I should leave,” said Even, still not looking at Isak.

“Why?” asked Isak softly, ignoring his heart clenching.

Even turned to his side again to stare at Isak before answering it. Isak flickered fast, startled by his movement, it was embarrassing how little things Even did affected him so much. How their proximity or the intensity of his eyes over him made his heart do funny things inside.

“I’m not supposed to be here,” said Even in a deep, deep voice, as Isak darted his eyes to his full lips moving. “I was never supposed to be here.”

“Why are you sad?” blurted out Isak.

“I'm not sad,” sighed Even, shifting to his back and closing his eyes, taking a pregnant pause before continuing. "I'm depressed."

Isak frowned.

“I'm bipolar,” said Even low, stealing some fearful glances at Isak out of the corner of his eye, like he was afraid of his reaction.

Isak opened his mouth to reply it, stopping it there when his brain didn't come up with anything to say. He kept staring at Even's profile, as he deliberately avoided his eyes.

Isak didn't know shit about bipolarity, except the basics and that Magnus' mom had it. And Isak could try to think about things to say, the _right_ things to say. But staring at Even breathing deeply through his flared nostrils, eyes fixed on the ceiling, seeming so young and frightened, Isak only felt a warm feeling taking his heart and softening his expression, making him smirk fondly.

Even under those clouded eyes, he could still see Even's light radiating from him, this boy still shined, even if he wasn't smiling brightly anymore. It was still him. It was still there, the same light that kept him alive inside of Isak for all those months, craving for him, fighting for him, aching for Even. Isak knew he missed him, but he didn't realize how much until then. He missed him immensely, irrationally, he still missed him, even then, looking at his face.

"I missed you," blurted out Isak.

Isak watched as Even closed his eyes and his face morphed into a painful grimace.

Isak frowned until Even cracked his eyes opened, directing them to stare into green ones. The intensity and still the vulnerability of his gaze made Isak feel weak, hypnotized.

"You can't miss _me_ , Isak," spoke Even, sounding like a request, sounding like a prayer.

 _Why?_ Isak stayed tongue-tied under Even's strong gaze. No one should have to deal with being looked like that, by the bluest pair of eyes Isak had ever seen. _Gosh, so beautiful._ Even was gorgeous, effortless beautiful, even with the saddest eyes. Isak's heart responded automatically, pounding uncontrollably.

"You're so beautiful, Even," blurted out Isak, feeling his cheeks getting hot, surprised by his own lightheartedness.

"Isak," whimpered Even in frustration, bringing both arms to hide his face. "This is so fucking unfair.”

"What?" muttered Isak.

"All of this. Everything," Even spoke, loudly blowing the air out of his full lips. Isak didn't say a thing, watching him breathing deeply again and again through his mouth.

Isak let him have it, waiting until Even finally removed his arms from his eyes, shifting to stare at Isak with a flushed face, Isak couldn't avoid his body and his heart startling in unison.

"You have no idea, Isak. No idea how many times I had to hold myself back those past months. And maybe it shouldn't be this hard, but it was, it was impossible sometimes. You wouldn't believe how many times I did end here, at your door, repassing in my head all the whys, one by one. Repassing them until they lost all the meaning, until I was just making up excuses that would keep me here, hoping you'd come up just in time to get me at your building. But I always managed to stay away. One way or another. Until..." Even squeezed his eyes shut, taking a deep breath before looking up again and continuing. "I'd have found a way to stay away, I know I would because this is the best to you, I know that. But my brain is fucked up, Isak, and I know this isn't enough of an excuse, but it's the best I have. I'm sorry, I really tried to stay away."

Even looked at him, vulnerable, breathing heavily by his parted lips, like he had just realized maybe he had said too much.

Isak started shaking his head slowly, even before his mouth came up with words. "I don't want you to stay away.”

"You will be ok, Isak," said Even, with a smile that didn't reach his eyes. "You'll be more than ok."

"Why are you always saying stuff like that?" Isak barely let go the words, with a slight frown creasing his forehead, sounding just sad.

"Because it's true," said Even staring at Isak until he was drowning in that blue, with his mind getting numb.

Isak looked back at him, dazed, lost, deciding how to make sense of things. All his barriers down in those wee hours of the night, with Even by his side. His mind was blunt.

"Even?" whispered Isak with a raw voice.

"Yeah?" whispered Even back.

Isak licked his lips before continuing, his inners twisting under the intensity of the look they were sharing.

"I don't understand shit," said Isak grimacing softly.

Even stared back speechless with his expression melting into a sad and softer one. He roamed his eyes through Isak's face until something changed in there, the numb sadness replaced momentarily with an obstination that took Isak by surprise. Isak frown as he heard him mumbling _Fuck it_ , then shifting under the blankets, averting his eyes.

Even came up with a phone from under the covers. He spent a couple of seconds concentrated on the device before raising his eyes back to Isak, handing it to him. Isak looked from him to the phone and back at him, with a puzzled face. 

"What is it?" asked Isak.

"Just watch it," said Even softly.

Isak grabbed it from his hand, surprised by how light it was, then tapping the screen with a finger, watching as a video started playing.

There were two people with their backs to the screen. It seemed two young men, both wearing snapbacks backward and white tees, both with an arm around each other waists. Isak frowned and took a look at Even, whose eyes were fixed on him.

Isak watched as one of the guys turned his face to kiss the other guy's back of the neck, under the snapback, once, twice, repeatedly, and as the other boy turned his face suddenly so next time they kissed on the mouth. Isak grimaced. _What the fuck is that?_

The taller boy wrapped both arms around the other boy's back and started spinning them. And then Isak saw it, the other boy's face. Isak approached his face until his nose was almost touching the glass, squeezing his eyes absurdly. It was him. Isak. It was fucking _him_. It was both of them, Isak and Even, spinning and laughing and then kissing.

"Holy fucking mother!" yelled Isak, sitting on a single movement and throwing the phone on the bed between them. Even followed him, sitting by his side at a slower pace.

"What, what," stuttered Isak, pointing to the phone, like it was bewitched. _What the fuck. What the fuck._ "What the fuck was that?"

"Us," said Even with his cheek resting against the headboard. Isak stared back, with his mouth on his chin. Why was Even so calm when everything demanded them to scream? "Or a version of us."

"I like this version," continued Even. "They're so happy, even though so real."

Isak was frozen, his mind was frozen. He was frozen in that ridiculous open-mouthed position, with a leg awkwardly dangling out of bed. Even's words entering from his ears and dissipating inside his head without any meaning.

"It always made me calm to watch them. They made me smile," said Even with a ghost of a smile on his face. "But this was before."

Even look at the phone between them, still playing the video, the sound of their laughs in the background making everything more surreal.

"Before you," said Even raising both his eyebrows. 

Isak's mind registered numbly all the laughs running through that bedroom, filling all the air. Familiar laughs, only that he had no remind of being that free, of laughing like that. Only that it was never him.

And then, from nowhere, like a punch in the middle of the nose, the realization hit him, all at once.

"Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit," repeated Isak jumping from that bed, walking from one side to another of the room, freaking out. He rested both hands on his knees and tried to bring air to his lungs, panicking when nothing was enough. “Fuck, I can't breath.”

Even crawled from that bed, then standing up like he was making a huge effort.

Isak didn't really notice him until he felt his hands on his cheeks, lifting his head up.

"Isak," asked him anxiously. "Look at me."

Isak looked, more because there was nothing else he could really do when Even was cupping his face like that. He looked into that blue, lost.

"Isak, it's ok, breathe," said Even softly.

"But, but," said Isak, panting.

"I know, I know," said Even brushing his cheek.

"They, they, and then me," started Isak, breathing heavily and making no sense even inside his head.

And then, ridiculous like that, Isak burst out crying.

"Fuck," shouted Even, and this was the first time he seemed really awaken that night, his eyes finally opened widely. "Why are you crying?"

"I don't know," replied Isak with tears rolling by his eyes. "I'm scared."

"It's ok, Isak," said Even softly, with his long thumbs brushing his cheeks, up and down, down and up, just the right way. He looked at Isak, making everything inside him loosen up, dominating his whole being with his intense eyes. "Don't be scared, baby."

 _Baby._ This triggered something buried inside him. Isak cried even more, he sobbed, feeling all the feelings of those past months coming back all at once. All the loneliness, the wanting, the craving. He passed both arms around Even's neck and leaned in, noticing how Even took some seconds before wrapping his waist.

“I missed you so much,” whimpered Isak and suddenly his cry was about he liberating everything he held all that time. Because apparently, he was ridiculous like that.

It took Isak a couple of minutes of Even soothing his back to finally calm down. Even soothed him gently, like you do with a newborn, so, so sweetly. Everything about Even was so sweet. It took Isak minutes and a couple of "babies" to finally stop sobbing. Isak let Even hug him calling him that, holding at those feelings, holding at his neck until his knuckles were white, but Even never complained. Until at some point they were both just hugging tightly, standing in the middle of Isak's room. Isak's mind was spiraling, Even's scent was intoxicating him, entering by his nostrils and making him dizzy.

Isak pulled apart slowly, sliding their cheeks together, purposely. Even let him, he didn't move. Isak brushed his face against Even's, completely lost to the feeling raising inside him. Even was burning his skin and making him forget about everything else. And Isak needed. He simply needed things he couldn't voice what. He rubbed their faces gently together until they were both panting.

"Isak," begged Even, sliding both hands from Isak's back to his waist, squeezing it and _oh boy_. Even moved his hands up and down, sizing him, freezing and burning him at the same time.

"Even," breathed Isak, his mind gone, gone, gone. He could feel Even everywhere.

"Isak," repeated Even, and it was like a praise, it was desperate.

"I can't stop thinking about you," whispered Isak, closing his eyes, touching their foreheads and drinking him in.

Even whimpered. He literally, fucking whimpered, while their faces were touching, while they could feel every single breath of each other. Isak's insides twisted.

"Did you ever think," said Isak, making a pregnant pause before continuing. "About me?"

"You don't understand, Isak," breathed Even over him, pulling Isak closer by his waist. His touch was desperate, the grip of his big hands would probably leave marks there.

"So make me," whispered Isak.

Even sighed and it took them a couple more seconds to finally, hurtfully peel off each other, and when they did, Isak felt empty. Do not touch Even after being so close like that was torture.

Even threw his body on the edge of the bed, immediately leaning against the headboard. He seemed exhausted.

Isak sat in front of him, waiting, with his heart loud as a truck and his mind spiraling with all kind of thoughts. Isak wanted to reach him, to curl his hands around his socks, to squeeze it, to hold him, any piece of him.

"I can't forget you, Isak," whispered Even, and it was like he was confessing a secret. Isak's heart raced if this was even possible.

"I was fourteen when I discovered about you, when everything began," said Even, studying Isak's face. Isak nodded encouraging him to continue, even if he didn't know what to extract from it.

"First I didn't care, or this was what I told myself at least," said Even, looking up, absorbed by his own reminds. "My parents kept telling me to talk to them, but I didn't have anything to say. Ok, it was all absurd, but you weren't a reality, so whatever, it wasn't like I was losing someone I had, right? It didn't affect me. You were just that ridiculous if, just something that could have been."

"And looking back now, I think it was all my fault, you know," said Even sighing. "I can't blame anything else but me."

Isak stared back hypnotized.

"It was ok, Isak. It really was. Until I started making you real. I started making up things in my head, just harmless thoughts, and suddenly you became that sweet fantasy, this companion in the hopeless hours. The idea of you was a relief."

"And I didn't notice how much it had affected me, until I met a girl, like three years ago. She was amazing, and we started being a thing," said Even, looking at Isak and biting his lips. Isak stared back as saying _It's ok_. "I liked her, Isak. I really did. But things didn't work out anyway."

"Why?" whispered Isak. _Just keep talking, just keep here._

"I looked for you every time I looked at her. How would be your eyes? And your lips? I looked for you in every touch, so of course, things didn't work out. I tried so hard, but I got so used to the idea of you, I never talked to anyone about that, you were like a vice, a secret one. And then when it was between you and her, well...I needed you more than I needed her."

"It was getting worse, Isak. It was driving me nuts, I couldn't function anymore. It hurt, Isak, you were always on my mind, I was attached to some ghost."

"I needed to move on, Isak," spoke Even and he was hurt, his eyes were raw, it made Isak's heart clench automatically. "I couldn't continue that way, that wasn't healthy. I thought if I could just put a face to the idea, just demystify you, then I could move on." 

"First time, I visit them," said Even nodding his head towards the phone. "I saw exactly what you saw, I think I kept staring for minutes and minutes just frozen in place. And I finally saw you, or, well, a version of you. It was too much to process, I don't even recall any thoughts from that. I just recorded it and headed home."

"That night I was so confused, I was in shock. I stared for hours and hours at the ceiling, without any defined thoughts in my head, just glimpses of them. And even before I consciously realized it, I knew deep inside it wasn't the end of it. And truth be told, I never really wanted this to end."

"And then this became a thing, a sickness, sickness thing, I'd go to random universes," spoke Even taking a cautious look at Isak, who just stayed frozen in place, hearing at Even like his life depended on it. "And fuck, we were already together in a lot of them, an absurdly amount of them. The most different universes you can imagine, everything changed, except one thing. You were always that for me, or versions of me. I watched them from a distance, I watched you from a distance, and I couldn't make myself to move on."

"I thought so much about all of this, Isak. And I came to the conclusion I was sick, this wasn't normal. One night I decided I needed to move on, urgently, or I felt like I'd die. I decided I just needed to know you. I put this idea on my head, but I was nervous, how should I do that?"

"When your birthday came, I decided this was the day. I used my fucked up rate and chose the most random universe, but not random at all."

"Ninety-nine, seventy-eight, seventy-eight, remember? I used the fucked up probability, zero point two, one, two, one, and so on, basically a sequence of twenty-one repeated twenty-one times. I know, I like these stupid meanings behind things."

Isak grimaced confused.

"I chose it, I chose you, randomly. You're the universe twenty-one times twenty-one, Isak." 

"I just came here, and I took a look at you at that party, and I didn't know what to think about it, I didn't even know if you had your Even here already. I wasn't meeting you, I was prepared to let it go, I thought I was until you started going upstairs, directly to my direction, I freaked out and entered the first room I saw. And of course, what was the room you decided to sneak in? And you know the rest, right."

Even looked at him and sighed with a shadow of a smile.

"I expected you to be some kind of annoyingly perfect entity. But you were not, you were not perfect, and this is why you were so perfect. And of course you were. Gosh, I was so naive. So, so stupid. I should never ever have met you that night. I should never have put you into this mess. I'm sorry.”

They locked eyes and Isak didn't know how to behave, how to move, barely know how to breathe. Even sighed again and continued.

"As days passed by, it was becoming clear how much I had screwed up things. I couldn't rip you off me. I thought about you every single day since then. I tried so hard, but you kept popping in my head, you and every little thing you did that night. Fuck, it was like every single thing about you hit all the right spots in my soul. Like, every little sound you made that night, every look, every word. You hit everything inside me, you made a combo."

“And if before I had this emptiness inside, left by the absence of you, now I have this fullness that makes me heavy and messy, and longing for something that I should never have dared to dream about at first place.”

"Isak, I don't know how to forget you," said Even and his voice sounded hurt, it sounded like a confession, a desperate one. He looked at Isak like he was expecting him to relief it.

"So don't," whispered Isak staring back.

"You don't get, Isak," said Even softly, sadly. "You're gonna meet your Even, the right one for you. You will be just fine." 

Isak stayed quiet, head dizzy as Even shut his eyes closed, leaning his head up against the headboard and sighing.

"What if I don't want him?" said Isak, unsure.

"What?" said Even, cracking his eyes open.

"What if I want you?"

"You can't want me," blurted out Even widening his eyes, making everything bluer, and that didn't add to his appeal.

"I want you," repeated Isak feeling suddenly brave, suddenly shifting closer.

"Didn't you hear anything I just said?" said Even, both palms facing upwards in question, shifting in the bed, straightening up his back.

"What if I heard and I want you, and I want you, and I want you?" said Isak risking a smirk.

"Isak," whined Even, breathing hard. "He will be just like me."

"I don't want someone just like you," said Isak getting closer and seeing the panic in Even's eyes.

"He will have literally the same DNA, Isak."

"Will he have this?" said Isak, and reuniting all the courage in his being, he leaned in and pressed a quick peck to Even's chin, just above his tiny scar.

"Isak..." gasped Even.

"Your scar?" continued Isak as Even stared back open-mouthed, his eyes showing a vulnerability Isak hadn't seen until then. He was lost. Isak's heart clutched.

"My scar?" asked Even like a little and scared boy. Isak's heart clenched and clenched.

"Will he have this scar?" said Isak softly, blinking slowly at him.

"Why?" asked Even confused. "Why does it matter?"

"I got used to it," said Isak simply. Even was there and he was there, there, there, there. Isak better made most of it, he could deal with the thoughts exploding in his head later, he could push them away.

"Oh my god," shout Even hiding his face under his arms. "I swear to God, you are like my own personal temptation."

Isak didn't say a thing, just staring back, giving him time.

"Fuck, I should really go, I'm messing things up so much," said Even with his voice muffled by his arms over his face.

"Don't!" blurted out Isak, his heart pounding and racing immediately.

At that Even lowered his arms and stared back frowning.

"Please stay," said Isak almost whispering. "I'm scared," and guilt raised inside him, he knew this was barely half a truth. "Please?" added Isak anyway, looking down, blushing.

Even stayed silent for a couple of seconds, while Isak didn't dare to look up.

"Ok."

"Ok?" spoke Isak snapping his eyes back at him.

"Just for tonight," said Even staring back seriously, intensively. "Ok?"

Isak just nodded eagerly.

They laid facing each other again, close. Closer than they had ever been, even though not close enough, not touching, apart from their warm breaths tickling each other skins.

"How did you get it?" whispered Isak softly. They were so close that it seemed like even talking was too intimate.

"Bike," replied Even low, nonchalantly.

Isak's smile raised inside him before he could notice his mouth twisting in the sides.

"What?" muttered Even confused.

"So ordinary."

Even didn't smile back, but his eyes shined brighter, like acknowledging, like trying, making an effort to smile back as his body couldn't.

"Well, it was night," said Even shrugging. "If it makes it better to you," and his voice was tender, his eyes were tender.

"Ok," replied Isak grimacing softly.

"I was lost, and I was alone," continued Even.

Isak raised his eyebrows in amusement like didn't quite believing. 

"In the middle of a storm."

Isak didn't quite control it, when he noticed his head was already thrown back and his mouth was relieving the openest of the laughs, Isak laughed soundly, the air coming out of his body freely. Isak wasn't used to it. It surprised both of them.

Isak lowered his head and looked at Even again, and what he saw made him shiver. The way Even was looking at him, fuck. His heart beat like never, it marked his chest from inside.

"Are you serious?" asked Isak serious again.

Even nodded. "I hate storms."

"Oh."

"What about yours?" asked Even nodding his head.

"Mine?" asked Isak confused.

"The little scar beside your mouth," said him softly. "Fancy story?"

"Chickenpox," shrugged Isak.

Then it happened.

Even smiled. It was just a twitch of his mouth, just an amused sigh, just a stifled sound coming from his lips, just his eyes crinkling softly. But it was there. Even let go the smallest of the smiles and stared back astonished, like it had surprised even himself. Even had given him the tiniest of the smiles, just that to Isak, Even shined like the sun.

"I'm so tired, Isak. So, so tired," and this came out like an admission, like a deep and raw confession.

He wasn't sure about what exactly he was talking about. Isak, out of nowhere, before he could give it a second thought reached for Even's hand laying beside his head, he topped Even's back of hand, noticing him shivering, looking at him inquisitively.

"Let's sleep, ok?" said Isak softly, blinking slowly at him. Every little thing about Even made him softer.

Even stared open-mouthed, speechless, for seconds straight. Isak knew he would take his hand back. He knew he would ask him to let him go, and say something that Isak knew would hurt. Isak just knew it.

"Ok," whispered Even, looking at their hands together.

Isak almost gasped relieved, and that was how much Even's warm hand under his was making him warm inside. That was how much touching Even made him dependent.

"My heart is beating so fast right now, Isak," spoke Even, breathing hard. 

"Mine, too," whispered Isak back. And this was just true.

"I won't come back, Isak," said Even, and it was sad. He was sad, he was defeated.

Isak's heart hurt, it hurt until he felt Even under his hand. He smiled.

"You will," said Isak.

"I won't," breathed Even, dazed.

"I can feel your heart beating in his pulse, Even. And it's beating as fast as mine," Isak smiled softly and stared directly into blue. "You'll come back."

Even didn't answer, locked in green. They looked and looked at each other like they wanted to memorize each other eyes, like they wanted to swallow each other by them. Their hands never parting as their eyes had the deepest conversations in the silence of that bedroom. 

They looked at each other until both started to doze off. Isak was finally, finally feeling all the tiredness of the night.

"Even?" whispered Isak with his eyes closed, his hand still holding Even's one, for his life.

"Hum?" mumbled Even sleepy.

"I lied," confessed Isak on the verge of unconsciousness. "I didn't ask you to stay because I was scared." 

"I lied too," whispered Even back. "I didn't stay because of that."

Isak let go a small smile, still keeping his eyes closed, snuggling happily against the pillow. He could feel Even's hand, he felt complete. At that moment, everything was ok.

Isak wouldn't be able to tell if he was dreaming already, but Even's sweet voice reached his heart once again at that night.

"You're an angel."

 

.

 

_Dear Isak,_

 

_I lied to you. Or at least I didn't tell you all the truth. I got my scar when I was fourteen, in a storm, riding a bike, but I didn't tell you I was riding it because I was maniac. And I didn't tell you it was my first manic episode. I didn't tell you I was trying to find you. Because in my fucked up head somehow this was possible._

_But I really hate storms, though. This part was completely true, even if I wouldn't say I fear them. And I could say I don't fear anything, not even death (and I really don't fear death), but if I said that, this would also be a lie. I have a fear, I fear losing control, this fucks me up, I fear something that is inherently part of me, I fear myself. What about that?_

_Storms, I can live with them._

_You said I'd come back, you wanted that and you looked at me the way you do, with those eyes, and you just made things so difficult, Isak. So fucking difficult. Don't give me reasons when I try to tell myself every day why I can't._

_I won't ever come back. This is my farewell, this is my goodbye._

_Even if you were right, my heart was really beating like crazy, because this is what it does when I'm near you, when I think about you. But this doesn't mean I'll ever come back. Because I won't. Because I can't. This means the exact opposite actually, it's the reason why I'm not ever coming back, don't you get it?_

_And it's ok, Isak. And don't ever think about me, I will be ok, too. I used to be so angry, so angry and blame everything and everyone, but since I met you, I'm just so immensely happy and grateful you'll get to have it. I'm grateful the universe chose you, instead of me, you're going to be happy and this is enough. My heart now is full of gratitude, so thank you for that._

_I still wish I could be your Even, though, so so badly. I'd give you everything, I'd give you myself, my very best version. But I know your Even will do the same, because you are you. I'm sure he is gonna show you how amazing you are, because that is what I want to do._

_But until then I want to tell you, you're incredible, do you even realize that?_

_You're the reason why Evens would always have you._

_I will always remember you, always. Gosh, I wish you could be mine. Gosh, Isak. How can I ever move on? I want you so much, it burns in my heart._

_I wish you could be with me, when it rains bad, when the world is crumbling outside. Why couldn't you have been born there with me? Why him and not me? This isn't fair. Am I really that bad? Did I deserve that?_

_Will your Even treat you as I'd? This thought scares me most. It's really difficult to accept it. Because I'd make you smile every single day that I could control my brain. I promise you that. Fuck, what the fuck I'm promising you things?_

_Fuck, Isak, I always look at you with hope, I can't avoid it, have you noticed it? I'm always waiting for you to say the thing that you make me free, that you make me realize I was wrong, that this was just a mistake, just a bad dream. I'm in a constant waiting, always craving for something that is impossible. And you do say them, Isak, all the right things, but there is nothing you can really say._

_Fuck, this is completely nonsensical, I don't want to mess with your head, I should probably burn this letter. But I know I won't, because this is my last piece to you, and for some reason, I need you to have it._

_Fuck, why do words like "last"_ _and "goodbye" need to hurt so much?_

_Gosh, why did you make me feel like that? I don't know you Isak, I will never do._

_Why did I need to feel this way?_

_And I don't want to use the L word, but I would, Isak, I know I would, every single day. You._

_You know, one night I thought about what I'd give to have you (yes, these are the kind of fucked up things my brain creates). And I decided I'd give up control, I'd choose you over my worst fear. I'd choose hell over heaven just because of you._

_I'm trying to end this letter, Isak. But every time I try to write the last line, it hurts, and my eyes fill with tears. How do I say goodbye?_

_Gosh, I will never again see your eyes._

_Fuck, Isak._

_Fuck, it hurts._

_I don't know why._

_I want you._

_I want you._

_I want you._

_I want you._

_I want you._

_I want you._

_I want you._

_I want you._

_I'm sorry._

_This is how the story should have been, we'd have met at high school, we'd have stole glances from each other and I'd have fall in love with you at first sight. Because you are you. You'd save me and I'd save you back. The end. Not this. Why this?_

_Isak._

_Isak._

_I was starting a phrase when I got lost in your name._

_I love your name Isak. Isak. Isak. Isak._

_Isak._

_Isak._

_I love how my tongue gives this click in the end._

_Isak, I know that nothing of this is fair to you. You don't deserve to have your head fucked up by me, with this letter. I hope, I wish I could burn it, but if you're reading it, I'm sorry, I failed._

_Just understand, please, it's my only concession, from a life without you. Just give me that. And please forgive me._

_Forgive me for making you think you want me when you don't need me. Forgive me if this somehow makes me feel good. Forgive me for my weakness. Forgive me, please, please, please, don't hate me. Please. Don't hate me when I don't come back. The thought of you hating me fucks with my head and knots my stomach. Please don't. Please._

_Isak. Isak. Isak._

_Isak, so fucking unfair, I shouldn't do that. Fuck, have you watched Lord of the Rings? I feel like Gollum, arguing with myself, because I want to ask you something, but it's so cruel. Fuck, I'm a bastard. I'm sorry._

_Isak, Isak, Isak, can I ask you, could you maybe think about me? Just sometimes? Just a little? Maybe just when it's raining heavily? Can you?_

_To think about me? A little is enough? Even when you have your Even and you're immensely, amazingly happy. Can you think a little bit about me. The me me, not your Even?_

_It's ok if you don't do. It's ok if you forget me. I hope you do._

_But maybe if you do think about me, maybe sometimes I would be able to feel it? Maybe I wouldn't be so lonely. It's so lonely a universe without you, Isak. But you won't need to discover that. And I'm happy. This is the most important thing._

_Sometimes I hate your Even. I'm sorry, but this letter long ago became my bluntest thoughts spilled out to you. This is my bluntest farewell, my most painful letter. So I'm sorry, I'm jealous of your Even. And it's hard to believe he'd want you more than I want you, so this isn't quite fair. But then I think he's the reason why you'll be ok, and I can't hate him anymore, I need to be thankful._

_Why do you need to be like that? I'd die to kiss you. I want so badly to know how it feels to kiss you. How would it be our kiss? I'm not talking about your Even and you, I'm talking about us, you and me. Fuck your Even. Would we kiss slow? I bet we would, I bet I’d never be able to stop it, I bet you'd tilt his head to the right, I don't know why, but I always imagined it like that. And fuck, I love your lips._

_And your eyes, Isak. Your eyes. Your eyes._

_Isak, Isak, Isak, I don't know how to ever end this mess, how can I end it? This will be the end. The end, that big and white letters on a black background. The end._

_I will never see you again, or your amazing,  beautiful, beautiful, beautiful eyes. Fuck, it stings Isak. Inside. It cuts, it twists, it stabs me in the core of my heart. How can I do that?_

_And I don't know why the fuck I'm telling you that, why am I making you feel bad because of me, what is the need to show you my pain? I'm so sorry, I just couldn't keep the pain inside, somehow it felt important to express it, to make it clear, to let it out. My shrink always says the pain needs to be acknowledged. She should be proud of me in this case, this is all I do. You see that? I always turn my pain into humor. She always says that too. I guess is the only way to survive. I never told her that. I never told her about you. I want to keep you for myself._

_Bye Isak, I can't anymore. It's impossible to continue right now._

_You are an angel, baby. Truly._

_And you're not my Isak, but I'll always be your Even._

 

_Yours,_

_Even (the one with the scar that you kissed)_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment if you felt anything. They're my combustible.  
> <3
> 
> I'm on Tumblr: https://nessauepa.tumblr.com/
> 
> Follow me to cute Evak posts and early peeks at next chapters.
> 
> PS: thx loveevak for all the support <3


	4. Otherside - Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Featuring someone's interesting POV.
> 
> Previously: After months of longing for someone that he had only seen once, Isak ended up having Even on his bed, looking at him with the bluest eyes he had ever seen, with the saddest ones too. Even was bipolar, Even was depressed and Isak didn't understand shit. He just knew his body and soul screamed for him, even when Even showed him disturbing things, like the apparent existence of their other selves living out there. Even spent the night, and then he left, leaving behind a letter with a piece of his soul and a promise of never coming back.

_99 Red Balloons - Sleeping At Last version_

[ _https://open.spotify.com/track/6MGdtBZebfkkq4YXz4ZAsc_ ](https://open.spotify.com/track/6MGdtBZebfkkq4YXz4ZAsc?si=HfjFWbKWT9q3R5a1u2U_XA)

 

The problem with Isak was that he was too easy to love. And it wasn't that Even loved him already, but more about the simple realization he would. Not because some absurd numbers or even the fucking Universe dictated it so, but simply because Isak was that way he was, a banquet to Even's soul. Even would have fallen in love with him, wholeheartedly, he knew it. His mind knew it as well and tricked him on a daily basis with fabricated reminders of a love that would never get to happen. 

His body ached for Isak in ways Even didn't quite comprehend, craving for a feeling that wasn't even there yet. Depriving himself of Isak felt unnatural, like robbing from his being the upcoming bliss he knew would come. Not loving Isak was like denying his body an orgasm, it was hurtful and frustrating.

Even sighed, contouring Isak's lip on the paper, with reverence, like somehow he was touching real flesh, and trying not to hurt it. The fast and gentle brushes of the pencil tickling the paper as he traced the curves of a cupid bow he’d give everything to touch if he had anything he could ever give. 

Even tossed the unfinished drawing into the box under his bed, filled with all sort of Isak's facets. Teary Isak, looking at him with wet eyelashes, young and defenseless. Sleepy Isak, droopy eyelids and a Monalisa shy smile, curving one side of his mouth, the one with the chickenpox scar that Even would never get to kiss. And Even’s favorite one, lighthearted Isak, throwing his head back to laugh, letting all the lines of his neck tempted exposed to Even's trained artist eyes. 

And there was no version of Isak that wouldn't haunt him, until he all but wished he had never met him at first place, wished he hadn't gotten to know how surprising green that boy's eyes were from close up. But Even couldn't lie even to himself, knowing he could never truly regret it, no matter how it had turned his already fragile world upside down.

And the irony was that Even's world didn't use to be that different from Isak's one. It had nearly the same countries, and the main historical events matched with an improbable precision. At first glance, one wouldn't be able to differentiate those twin universes. It was all amazing, a big fucking coincidence of the universe. An unbelievable amount of people living in one would also exist in the other. 

Even was hearing about Isak's universe since he was a child, yet he couldn't care less. Okay, their worlds were unimaginably alike, even if Isak's one was still ignorant about the existence of other universes. But Even didn't get what was so great about that, what he really loved was to hear about those exotic places, where life would be so different he couldn't believe.

Two Suns in the sky, yellow trees or birds the size of elephants. Once Even heard about a place with Northern Lights dancing in the sky all the time. Those were the kind of things that amazed him, the images that that young Even poured onto the paper.

Even was just twelve when the first bomb came. It was out of nowhere, and it changed him forever, profoundly, deeply. It changed his whole world and every single person there. And from one day to another eighty-two million souls were silenced in a flash of light, like they were dust that you blow away. Like nothing. In a couple of seconds, Germany stopped existing and Even's entire world crumbled down.

Even's and Isak's universes had trailed similar paths for millions of years, attracted and molding at each other like two magnetic fields. But that was when their Earths finally separated their paths. Even was just twelve, when darkness took the atmosphere, and the sun stopped shining.

That thirty first of July Even’s naive and pastel-colored world became a couple of shades darker. That was when Even learned what people were made of, what his friends and family were made of. The human race was made of fighters and the worst inspired the best in people. Even discovered people adjusted to nearly everything, to loss, to uncertainty, they rebuilt, they moved on, people just wanted to go on. And like that people perpetuated, even when the climate changed and sunny days turned into dim memories. 

Even was fourteen when the second bomb came; bipolarity. And it should have bothered him more than it did judging by the looks on his parents' faces. He only wanted to tell them it wasn’t that big of a deal. How could it be considering everything? But he couldn't utter the words, Even just slept through that dark autumn, passing through it still breathing, but not really living. But he made to winter because Even was also a survivor. He was just fourteen, but he wasn't a kid anymore, how could he be?

That winter, Even woke up, feeling the cold wind on his face, feeling anything after a long hibernation. The world was slowly getting on track again. It always did, Even had learned. Even wanted to say to his parents _see it_? He finally had the energy to live again, he restarted his activities, he returned to school. It was okay, it really was, how could he not be okay? Even had learned what gratitude meant years before.

Even's dragging walking to and from school turned into long steps. Wherever Even went, he started going there running. His mind was flying, and he couldn't focus his attention on the news, still discussing all the whys endlessly. Even ignored all the theories and comparisons with Isak’s universe. He didn't care about the probabilities of the same happening there. Not when he had never felt more inspired.

Even was still fourteen when the third big mark of his life happened. But unlike the previous ones, which had turned his whole world a mess one day to another, that one did nothing to him at first.

One day that energetic Even caught his mother crying on his father's shoulder. That was the day Even heard about him for the first time. They told his hyperspeed mind about a boy who should have been Even's free pass to love. Even listened to every word, to the numbers, and let his mom hug him, but refusing any attempt to talk. There was nothing to say. Truly. And maybe it should have bothered him more, but how could it, considering everything? He had learned all about selflessness in a world that was essential.

Next night, Even's creativity was in the skies, he walked in circles on his bedroom, unstoppable, throwing his body onto the bed, just to jump out of it immediately. He drew a lot, a boy, again and again, even after the rachitic sunlight disappeared outside.

He was energetic but so so tired, he felt like bungee jumping and sleeping one year after that. Like his mind was giving its everything before shutting up. His brain was exploding with thoughts. Mainly about a boy. And there was something about him, something that Even should remember. And maybe the best way to find out would be just to ask. Just ask the boy what was that poking his brain insistently. He knew the boy would explain it to him, he'd make everything easier. That night, an unexpected certainty filled his body and made him calmer than he had felt in weeks.

Even rode his bike through the streets aimlessly, following his instincts. He wandered for hours, or maybe just minutes, he couldn't discern it, and there were also those lapses of memories now and then. Even was so focused that he didn't even notice he had forgotten to put on his shoes, he didn't even realize it had started raining until it was loud. Until it was heavy and the grass was slippy.

Even didn't have a lot of memories from that night, it was more about the feelings, not concrete images. He didn't remember how he had fallen or what had hit him on the chin. He remembered though waking up, alone and confused, but suddenly alert as he hadn't been in weeks, like the trauma somehow had shaken his mind and reset it.

He opened his eyes, and his chin was exploding, the skies were exploding, loudly. The world was dark and wet, filling his nostrils and making it difficult to breathe. Even was barely fourteen, with no clue about how he had ended there or where he was. 

And seeing the red dripping from his face and dissolving in the water, Even despaired, he really thought maybe he was dying. Even felt for the first time in his life loneliness compressing his soul, his primary thought was _I don't want to die alone_.

Even fought to free himself from the metal tangled over him, crying silently, when his overstimulated mind pulsated, and then it popped there. _Him_. Just a flash in the back of his mind at first, but enough to make him stop sobbing. Even held onto that abstract idea, forcing him to get up. That symbolic entity settled there, like an angel, with him. Even made himself not to stop thinking of a boy that had no face and no nothing. It made him nearly not to startle every thunder rumbling over him. That boy guided him home, shielding him from the scaring world in the most lonely night of his life. 

Even reached his building pushing his bent bike, barely having time to raise his eyes before being dragged by the warm arms of his mother, wrapping him tightly, both their bodies shaking with their sobbings.

Even's first manic episode was the most terrifying experience of his life, and when the idea of Isak started tangling with his being. From this day on, Even used it as a comfort, it was warm thinking about him. Even added ideas and characteristics to that boy until he felt real.

Even used him to sleep, having the sweetest of the dreams with him. One night they kissed in Even's dream, it was a delicious freezing feeling, the sensations of that mouth, that tongue dancing slowly together with his made butterflies explode in his stomach. Even had the first kiss of his life through that dream, with him.

Even fell for him like one starting to dream, first unsure of its start, then suddenly caught in the middle of something that seemed real. Isak made room inside him, even if he didn't tell anyone about it.

Then Even met Sonja and fell for her, but he fell harder and deeper with the illusion of him. Even was forcing and twisting all the boundaries of reality. Kissing Sonja was nice, but kissing _him_ , his personal definition of perfection through those lips felt one million times better. Even kissed Sonja a couple of times, but most of them it was purely him.

Even realized it wasn't healthy when he was so absorbed by their kiss that he completely and wholeheartedly forgot about her. It wasn't fair, he was using her as a vessel for his sick fantasies. He broke up with her after that and stuck with Isak. He needed him more.

Even felt foreign in a body that didn't suit his own self, a body that felt too big, hollow where it was supposed to be filled with the undeniable love he should have felt. He turned eighteen, living like that, in a constant longing, for three of them. He felt like he needed to shake things up and put them in perspective. He enrolled in the army.

It wasn't that bad, really. They weren't at war, no country was, not after what had happened. Army was basically about sticking to the schedule, and contrary to most people beliefs, the discipline didn't feel oppressive. With discipline came more control, and Even, as surprising as it was, fitted just fine. In some aspects, it felt comforting all this order in his life.

It was also about exercising. A lot. Until the point Even felt like his sore muscles would never again fully recovery. But even this was refreshing, the physical pain was an excellent distraction from his troubled mind.

Army was also a lot of loud boys and girls whose primary aim was to tease each other. Sometimes Even felt like the shy kid in the kindergarten, looking them from the corner. But from listening instead of speaking Even had figured out that most of them were running from something, just like him.

Army was a new start, there they were brand new people, with brand new names. Even was Dove, because apparently, people saw him as calm and peaceful. The truth was that Even didn't find a thing worthy of getting passionate about, there was nothing that would boil his blood. So maybe the name suited him perfectly.

But there was that guy, the one with the thick eyebrows, shiny green eyes, and easy smile. He looked young, but with the malice of someone who had lived decades and decades. He told everyone about his wishes of contributing to something meaningful. He was one of those, he was a believer. They bonded immediately, it was soothing listening to Jonas Vasquez.

Jonas was a paradox, he was the funniest contradiction. He'd declare to everyone around he was against weapons, against violence, even if he was in the fucking Army. But he believed in some of their programs, and he was willing to help, to rebuild.

He'd say all of that with such conviction on his smiley face that no one would contradict him, everyone liked Jonas. He was the one teaching Even about confidence.

But as unlikely as it seemed, army was the most peaceful thing to have ever happened to Even. The days were always very busy, but the nights, when all the boys were defeat from exhaustion, Even would sneak outside to the silent night. And sitting against a tree, breathing the dew in the cold air, things would be calm. Those were the moments he wouldn't be able to avoid thinking about _him_.

Isak would be turning sixteen if he had ever been born there. He wouldn't be exactly a kid anymore. Would they be friends? Would they fall in love already? Even looked up, staring at the blurry and gigantic moon in the sky, and at the few stars daring to penetrate the dense atmosphere. Even sighed, shutting his eyes, but it didn't make it go away, it was still there, it was still difficult. He still missed someone he had never met.

"Damn, this is a hell of a moon," Jonas sat beside him, chuckling when Even startled.

Even was still trying to catch his breath when Jonas pulled out a joint from behind his ear, pressing it between his lips and lighting it up. Even's eyes went wide, watching as he took a long drag before handing it to Even, that grabbed it automatically, keeping it lifted awkwardly between them.

"What the hell?" spoke Even, trying to keep his voice down, taking nervous glances at the building. "You know what would happen if they took us with that?"

"Not being caught then," replied Jonas following where Even's eyes were nervously staring at, then turning to Even and offering him a smile.

Even blinked at him speechless before shaking his head in disbelief. He brought the joint to his lips and sucked a long drag while Jonas chuckled satisfied by his side.

"Where did you even find this?" asked Even tilting his chin up and blowing a thick cloud of smoke in the air, then handing the joint back to him.

"Why do you think they call me Jay?" shrieked Jonas pretending to be offended.

"Because of the first letter of your name?"

"Dove, Dove," laughed Jonas. "So naive."

Even rolled his eyes, but accepted the joint back. They took turns, passing it back and forth in silence, just appreciating the night around them.

"You remember?" asked Jonas nodding to the sky, earning Even's furrowed brows in return. "The moon...how it looked like?"

Even shook his head grimacing, then blowing more clouds to the already clouded sky. Jonas nodded in acknowledge. And for a while, the sound of their smoking ritual was the only thing filling the night.

"So," Jonas was the one breaking the silence, nudging Even's knee playfully. "What's a handsome guy like you doing in the army?"

"What?" chuckled Even.

"Sorry," Jonas joined his laughs. "Boy, that came out very wrong."

"Are you hitting on me?" asked Even unbelievably.

"Nein," Jonas snorted. "As handsome as you may be, I'm more into girls."

"Okay," Even smiled back.

"And if I were hitting on you, you'd know, okay?"

"Mhhm," Even was still grinning, and it was Jonas turn to roll eyes.

"What I was trying to say is, what is your thing, bro?" asked Jonas nonchalantly, passing the joint back to Even.

"My thing?" Even's eyebrows twitched as he sucked the joint.

"Everyone here has a thing going on. Be it juvenile delinquency, heartbreaking or just superhero complex. What's yours?"

"I don't have a thing," replied Even averting his eyes and looking up at the skies.

"That would make you the first one," said Jonas playfully.

Even shrugged before turning to him again.

"What is your thing, then?"

"I don't have a thing either," Jonas said with a crooked smile, making Even laugh in response.

"That would make you the second one," spoke Even smiling.

"I guess it would," nodded Jonas smiling big.

At some point, the nights outside became their thing, and Jonas became the friend Even had never had. He'd talk his thoughts out loud, and Even, well, he wouldn't. Even would mainly listen quietly, adding something now and then, nodding in agreement. Sometimes there were clouds of smoke wrapping them, sometimes there was only the cold air.  

"I'm bipolar," blurted out Even at some night. "This is my thing."

Jonas looked into Even's eyes and didn't say a thing for what felt like minutes. Even didn't avert his eyes either.

"No, it's not," Jonas spoke shaking his head.

Even didn't expect that, he frowned expecting an explanation.

"It's public knowledge you're bipolar, you communicated it when enrolling. No one declares their thing willingly like that. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this isn't a big of a deal. But this isn't your thing, Dove."

They shared a long gaze, and when Even didn't say a thing, Jonas chuckled softly.

"Gotta sleep, today was hard," Jonas nudged Even's leg with his before getting up.

Even watched him walking away and kept staring even after he disappeared into the lodging's door. He didn't know whether he had a thing. _Liar_ , his mind screamed. _Him_. Even tilted his chin up, pressing his head against the tree trunk and stared blankly at the skies. Wishing for something that would calm it down, wishing to forget, wishing not to forget. Even let go a desperate laugh. He was fucked, he was so fucked.

That night Even didn't sleep. Neither the night after that. But he dreamt, of a boy caressing his face gently, way too gently, contouring his eyebrows and touching his eyelids. He dreamt of a boy tracing his face with his finger and finding his lips. In that dream he tried to bite the boys' finger playfully, being rewarded with the most delicious laugh his mind could make up. And that feeling, that feeling kept with him, it kept him warm during the whole day. Even was afraid he was losing it again, he was exhausted, but when closing his eyes at night, sleep wouldn't find him. The boy wouldn't leave his mind, and there was no way of escape his own thoughts.

Incomplete. That was the definition. Even felt half a person.

"What's going on?" asked Jonas one of that nights.

"What do you mean?" spoke Even, turning to face him slowly, and taking too long to focus his eyes on Jonas wrinkled face. He was on the edge.

"You're acting weird, and you're a pale like you have seen a ghost," spoke Jonas, then softening his voice. "What's up, man?"

Even's mouth opened without an answer. He didn't know what to say. _Ghost_. If Jonas just knew how close he was. And then, before Even could consciously notice it, he was chuckling. He burst out laughing without any control of his body, laughing and laughing, seeing Jonas dazed expression turning into a grin. He laughed being followed by Jonas until all of sudden something shifted and he was crying.

He started sobbing uncontrollabily, crying what he hadn't cried in years, he cried even when Jonas let go a _Fuck_ before wrapping his arms around him. Even shook on Jonas' warm embrace, too tired to even raise his arms too. And when Jonas brought a hand to hold the back of his head, holding him with so much care, Even burst out crying even more. That night he completely lost it.

"I'm so tired," let go Even between sobs. "I forgot how to sleep, but I don't forget him."

"It's okay, man," replied Jonas soothing his back. "Just close your eyes and go sleep. When you wake up, everything is going to be okay."

That night Even blacked out in Jonas' arms without a single memory of what had happened after that. And when he woke up next morning, he wasn't even sure whether all of that had indeed happened. He joined all the boys to breakfast, and when he locked eyes with Jonas across the room, who made him a salute with a soft smile, he knew it had happened, he knew Jonas too well at this point.

Even didn't know how to feel about that, but he was rested for the first time in days, he felt almost a person again. And he was so fucking grateful to that that he didn't give it a second thought.

They both joined a particularly loud table, discussing the disappearance of someone's toothbrush, and that apparently was something that worthed a one-hour rant. Jonas looked at Even and rolled his eyes theatrically, Even returned a smile, mouthing a _first world problem_ that made Jonas laugh. And this was when Even knew they were good.

"Ninety-nine point eight percent," blurted out Even that night under the tree, not looking at Jonas.

When Even risked a look, Jonas was staring open-mouthed like deciding for something to say.

"This is my thing," muttered Even staring inside that big green eyes.

"O-okay?" stuttered Jonas back, and Even would have laughed if that were any other night. Taken aback Jonas was a first.

"Final match score," offered Even still studying Jonas' face.

"What?" Jonas' mouth fell to his chin.

Even chuckled humourlessly.

"Are you kidding?" asked Jonas with raised eyebrows. "Are you?"

Even shook his head with a sad smile.

"Is this even possible?"

Even shrugged back while Jonas threw him a serious looking face.

"No way, Dove. There is no sad story in a ninety-nine rate, c'mon!" Jonas shook his head.

Even didn't reply, and Jonas' face fell.

"How? What? How?" said Jonas lost. "What happened to her?"

"Him," blurted out Even, it was silly, but it felt relevant to point it out.

"Okay, what happened to him then?" replied Jonas with the same intense expression.

"He was never born here," said Even smiling with a smile that didn't reach his eyes, offering him a small shrug.

"Fuck," huffed out Jonas. "And...how do you feel about that?"

"It's okay," lied Even.

"Okay," mouthed Jonas, turning to stare ahead at no particular spot.

"Okay," mimicked Even.

Jonas turned his head to him again, Even looked at him curiously.

"The truth now?" asked Jonas softly.

Even opened his mouth to lie, but when he saw Jonas' eyes shining with interest, willing to hear him, he couldn't.

"Like shit," laughed Even. "Utterly shit."

Jonas chuckled nervously together with him.

"Fuck, man," sighed Jonas shaking his head.

"I know how crazy it sounds, but I think about him like he's real, you know," said Even, staring at his feet, and letting a weight of years leave his shoulders while uttering that words out loud. "It's like I miss him."

When Even took the courage to stare back, Jonas was nodding solemnly.

"It's not crazy," spoke Jonas. "He's real, just not here."

"It still sounds crazy to me."

"Hm...have you ever heard about phantom limb pain?" asked Jonas.

"What do you mean?" asked Even.

"Sometimes, when people lose some limb, like a leg, they will still feel the pain there, like it's there, they will feel the sensations concretely, they will even feel it itching. No matter if they know the leg isn't there, no matter what they try to tell their brains, for all intents and purposes, it's there. My point is; the feeling is real."

Even absorbed his words, huffing a fond sigh.

"Thank you," muttered Even.

"For what?" asked Jonas surprised.

"For not calling me crazy."

"Oh, this is what you got from my explanation?" said Jonas smiling smugly. "I still think you're crazy, though, just not because of that."

"Fuck you," laughed Even and Jonas in unison.

Jonas was the only person to ever hear about him. Jonas, who somehow managed to soften the heaviness in Even's head. And Even liked to think he helped him too, those nights when he was quiet, staring blankly at a nonspecial tree ahead.

Jonas was also there when Even's life was once again about to change. He was there when Even first heard about Project Rebuild.

It was quite simple, really. Project Rebuild was one of the Army programs that had been created after the bomb, it was about bringing back to their Earth all those specimens lost in those sun-deprived years. All they needed was enthusiastic young people, thirsty for adventurous. Even wasn't either, but when Jonas volunteered, Even wasn't left with much of a choice, they were inseparable at that point.

It wasn't that Even didn't enjoy any of it, even the endless training sessions Jonas and he had to attend were bearable, as long as they got to admire them, the most seductive machines his world had ever created. And the artist in Even understood the appeal, their design was astonishing, out of the craziest sci-fi movies, like cooler motorcycles, but wrapped in glass. Everyone's chin fell to the floor when stepping into the hangar for the first time.

They were designed to fit one person, enjoying all by themselves the bumps coming out of hyperspace and all nausea that came out of it. Even hoped the simulator was just miscalibrated, because boy, sometimes Even felt like his stomach was trying to leave his body for good. But even that was possible to practice.

They trained exhaustively, on the verge of too much. Until Even couldn't say anymore where did the metal finish and where it started being himself, until the harsh bumps felt nothing but soothing, he studied those vehicles until he knew them from inside out, until he could join the heatest discussions with the mechanic's team. Even fell in love with those machines, ignoring all the annoying _I told you_ glances Jonas' threw at him.

Once again Even's life was being driven to paths he would never have imagined. Maybe that was just side effect of a life without dreams, dreams he could actually pursue. He was used leaving things just happen to him, watching his own life unfolding from a distance. But then he had his first mission.

And landing on that twin Earth that he had always despised, opening the windshields and feeling the absurd sun warming his skin, he felt home in the most boring of the planets. But home wasn't about being thrilled anyway, but soothing, a calm feeling of belonging. And it was, all of that, even if Even's heart was trying to contradict him.

Mission after mission, Earth after Earth, he couldn't avoid that thought tickling his brain. _Does he exist here?_

But Even never tried to look for him. Instead, he stuck to the protocol. And it wasn't like he was missing anything anyway, he was never intended to have anything at first place. But sometimes, some days, boy, he couldn't help thinking. _What if?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has been some time since the last chapter, I'm sorry. But I'm going to wrap up all of my verses, I promise (and then start new ones). <3
> 
> And boy, this chapter was the most difficult one to write so far. I was trying to make Even's POV a single chapter, but it was becoming too big, and I couldn't make myself to cut enough things, so instead, you get two parts.
> 
> I know this verse become bittersweet and slow burn, I hope you're enjoying it so far, but just know we have so many more things to come.
> 
> I love to receive comments, let me know if you felt anything. What was your favorite part? What would you like to see next?  
> If you feel like quoting your fav line, it helps me understand what people like, because honestly, sometimes I feel like I'm only rambling, lol.
> 
> PS: Sorry Germany (and I live here) :p  
> PS2: All Jonas are angels in their lives :,)  
> PS3: The song of this chapter is a cover of "99 Luftballons", which is an anti-war protest song by the German band Nena (1983) https://open.spotify.com/track/6HA97v4wEGQ5TUClRM0XLc?si=Onfzx_RdTRmOxasZ_hk-OA


	5. Otherside - Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Check endnotes for warnings*
> 
> Even though I'm proud of this chapter, I'm still really nervous about it. I don't want by any means make anyone uncomfortable, so if you feel like some subjects can trigger you bad feelings and you don't want to be surprised, then check endnotes please. Feel free to skip this chapter and go to next one. Otherwise, fasten your seat belts and join me.
> 
> Featuring Even's Jonas, Even's fall and Isak taking desperate measures.
> 
> Previously: Even has not had an easy life so far, he comes from a world that struggled with a huge loss (literal bomb), bipolarity, he discovered about a boy that should have been his end game, and got obsessed with that. He ended enrolling the army and meeting Jonas. Both of them joined Project Rebuild and started traveling to parallel Earths. And Even, well, Even still couldn't help to think, "what if?"

There was a time when Even had never seen Isak, a time when he had no idea about his name or even the color of his eyes. When he could only dream of a boy, who was just a ghost, concepts, and feelings.

Even had pictured him with different eyes' color over the years. They were blue through those first months, created in the image and likeness of Even himself. But the boy's eyes changed color as the feelings inside Even morphed and developed into something else, as Even grew up. And Even could never choose a single one.

He was afraid of sticking with one color and that being the wrong one. It was completely nonsensical, just like everything else about that boy was.

So Isak had had hazel eyes, and brown, and then green, a glimmering and astonishing kind of green, that settled there just as Even met Jonas. And it suited just fine that image Even had been building through those years, everything about _him_ was intense and breathtaking. Unachievable and perfect.

 _Yellow_.

Yellow, always eclipsing the color of that imaginary boys' eyes, and taking the soothing feeling away. Even's mind would always return to that. Again and again, and again.

Always coming back to a sea of yellow dandelions that covered the fields as far as the eyes could see. Always returning to the most alike of the Earths, where Jonas and Even shared a joint after a mission. In a time when that color was nothing of special, when yellow was just yellow, and the only color that mattered was indeed the current tone of Isak's eyes.

"You should go find him," spoke Jonas out of nowhere, leaning his elbows on his knees and looking ahead at the sun low in the sky, threating to touch the horizon line and turning everything more yellow.

"Who?" asked Even staring at Jonas' profile. He knew fucking who.

"The leprechaun who lives inside my pants," snapped Jonas throwing him a scornful glance.

Even chuckled surprised while Jonas smile widened at the sun. Even also turned to look at the scene unraveling in front of them, still smiling. He squeezed his light eyes while taking a long drag on the joint and getting lost in his thoughts. Jonas didn't push him.

"What would I even say?" let go Even, following the clouds of smoke escaping between his lips.

And while handing the joint back to Jonas, he tried his best to act naturally, talking about him still felt forced.

"You know what?" spoke Jonas, pointing at Even with the joint pressed between two fingers. "Go for straightforward. Eye contact, show him a blunt and say follow me."

Even snorted.

"Follow me?" Even's forehead creased in incredulity.  
  
Jonas smiled mischievously with the blunt pressed between his lips as he leaned back on his elbows.

"Straightforward, man."

"Uh-huh," Even turned again to the sun, touching the yellow horizon and turning everything into an indistinguishable bright mass.

"But I'm serious, Dove," Jonas squeezed Even's knee, making him look at him. "Why shouldn't people have what they were supposed to?"

"This is the whole point, isn't?" Even held Jonas gaze for a moment. "I'm not supposed to have it."

"Why not?" snapped Jonas.

"Why not?" repeated Even huffing an unamused laugh.

Jonas didn't say a thing, but Even could feel his eyes piercing him.

"They come in pairs," muttered Even, with his sensible eyes narrowed, lost in the horizon. "There is no space left...for me," Even's voice was dying until it was not more than a whisper.

"Not all of them," spoke Jonas gently. Even sighed and let his chin sink into his chest. "There's got to be one who is just like you."

Even shut his eyes. He knew Jonas meant well, but it wasn't soothing, it hurt. Because Even had already been there before.

"Why are you doing that?" muttered Even, and when he finally found it in him to look up, he met Jonas kind eyes with hurt drowning in blue.

"Doing what?" Jonas thick eyebrows twitched.

"Hope," spoke Even, blinking slowly as Jonas' forehead creased. "This is the one thing I can't afford to have, Jonas."

Jonas mouth fell open and closed again without a sound, it was almost funny, the absurdity of all of it.

"But this is not fair," Jonas managed to speak, his green eyes shining with meaning.

"It's okay," Even's eyes darted to the blunt, forgotten between Jonas' fingers.

"Do you think about it?" Jonas shifted on one elbow, extending the other arm with the blunt.

Even dismissed the joint being offered, bursting into frantic chuckles, which turned into something desperate, and Jonas' confusion only prolonged it.

"To think," spoke Even popping the 'k', looking directly into green. "Is all I do, every damn minute of the day. There is nothing you can say that hasn't pounded in my head again and again."

And when Even finally accepted the joint, it was a bit too harshly.

"Why don't you just ask me to let it go?" Even didn't intend the bitterness present in his voice, but it was there.

"Because you can't!" shout Jonas, earning Even's dazed expression in return.

"Can you?" insisted Jonas in a softer tone.

Even's parted lips closed around the blunt. He disregarded Jonas, looking away, his cheeks hollowing out as he sucked hard on it, for a little too long, until his head was dizzy. Jonas seemed to take that for an answer, sighing and shifting on the ground, extending both his legs and smashing a lot of dandelions in the process.

Even huffed the smoke out of his lungs harshly, feeling a bit of the exasperation going away with it, leaving only the familiar unsettling feeling behind.

"How?" snapped Even finally, not sparing him a glance. And there it was, a hint of a raw ask. A spark of hope was all it always took, it wasn't fair for Even, it was like offering water to a thirsty man. "How do you find someone you know nothing about, in an infinitude of infinities?"

Jonas didn't answer, and Even continued.

"And you think what? That the army would borrow me the spaceships willingly? Because, hey, it's for a good cause, it's for a boy."

Even gave a choked laugh that sounded pathetic, Jonas didn't follow him.

"And if something goes wrong, Jonas..." continued Even, running his eyes frantically from one flower to another, his heart unease with the whys he had repassed one million times already. "If I screw up, if I screw up really bad...fuck, there is just too much that can go wrong. You know how bad things can get when you mess with other Universes. I can't be that selfish, Jonas," Even finished, with a heavy chest, realizing he had been holding his breath.

"Hey?" asked Jonas softly, Even shut his eyes in response, running a hand through his hair, knowing whatever Jonas had to say, he was in a dead end anyway.

"You deserve this boy, Even," Jonas' voice was hoarse, Even's sigh ached in his chest.

Jonas didn't mean it, but he was stabbing him in the frailest part of his chest, the one where he forced the hopeless resignation in. And that was a fragile setup, a couple more words, just a spark of hope and everything could crumble down as a castle or cards. And then Even would be the one left behind to deal with the inevitable deception.

"I'm crazy," Even cracked his eyes open. When he looked at Jonas, he poured his bare soul into that gaze. His eyes were blue and light and meaning it.  _My feelings are not trustable_ , he spoke with his mind.

The muscles of Jonas' face writhed in protest.

"The way I feel about him...it's not normal," that was all Even managed to say, with his eyes getting dry and then watering as he refused to blink.

Fifty expressions crossed Jonas' face before his muscles loosened all at once, defeated.

"That is the saddest thing I've ever heard."

Even felt warmth coloring his face from inside, embarrassed that that was him, and that Jonas was getting to see it finally.

"Man, this broke my heart."

Even stared at his lap, frozen.

"Like..." Jonas started, then huffed and stopped.

Even felt like a kid caught in the jar's cookie, he wished he could unsay it.

Jonas seemed to be fighting the words. Even stared at the denim of his pants, getting darker and darker as the sun died. Even put the joint out rubbing it on the ground, just for the sake of having anything to do.

Jonas took his time, and when he spoke, it wasn't the wisest words or something out of a poem, but it was enough.

"You feel what you feel," Jonas snapped like it was something he was rehearsing in his head.

Even turned his head to him hesitantly, but Jonas' eyes were lost in the sun disappearing ahead. And Jonas didn't get to see it, but Even's lips twitched in the corner.

"Maybe it's not just the absence of him..." spoke Even tentatively, now that he had cracked his soul open, he thought he might as well keep going.

Jonas turned at Even with a puzzled face.

"Maybe it's not that I can't have him because he doesn't exist at home. Maybe it's the opposite, maybe he isn't there because I'm just not suitable for it."

"Suitable for what?" grimaced Jonas.

"I don't think I could love him well," Even said it and felt ridiculous immediately. Putting his feelings into words made him perceive them in a totally new light. He hadn't realized before how much self-loathing he was carrying inside. But he forced himself to continue because he was also feeling a little lighter. "How do you even make yourself to love someone this way?"

"You don't. It just happens," Jonas said it nonchalantly, with his profile all but hidden by the low light, but something made Even look at him twice.

"Have you ever loved someone?" the curiosity in Even's voice was genuine.

"I still do."

Jonas loved someone.

Even and Jonas shared a meaningful glance, and then the world went silent.

Blink. Blink. Blink.

Even remembered that moment as in a movie, the sky was yellow behind Jonas, batting his lashes in slow motion, his eyelids drooping gracefully. Every time they closed, it sounded like the flap of a giant bird's wings stirring the air around it. One, two, three more times, and then, all at once. Jonas's eyelashes flickered like freed from a slow-motion scene to a furiously high-speed one.

And from that, things just...unfolded, in an absurd succession of events that made no sense.

"Ouch," a high pitched Jonas startled Even.

Jonas crawled back as something shook the dandelions on his way out, emitting a loud hiss from a distance. Even's blood froze and the hair on the back of his neck stood up. He followed the movement until it was gone and when he looked up at Jonas, his eyes were wide open.

“I think…” Jonas wrapped his hands around his ankle. “This thing bit me.”

Even crawled clumsily towards him, staring at the same point Jonas was staring at. Below his rolled up pant-leg, there were two tiny red spots, barely noticeable.

_Fuck._

"Let's go," spoke Even, standing up and looking at Jonas, who was still looking at his ankle, entranced.

"Now!" yelled Even, shaking Jonas out of his stupor.

"I'm okay," muttered Jonas, but hurrying to catch up with Even.

He repeated it every time Even threw him some glances back as they walked.

Jonas stomped his foot on the ground a couple of times, as to test it. Followed by one more _it's okay_. But Even's heart was pounding uneasy. The hissing sound was still giving him shivers.

There was just that feeling that settled in the pit of Even's stomach and refused to go away. It was there the whole walking back to the spaceships, it was there as Even inspected Jonas fastening his seat belts.

"Are you sure you can come back by yourself?" asked Even.

"Yes, Even," Jonas almost rolled his eyes.

And it should have been soothing, but the feeling never left Even, even when he pulled Jonas' seagull-wing door down and watched him through the glass as he put the helmet on.

Everything was okay.

Until it wasn't.

When Even opened that door again at their home Earth, it was dark, it was always dark there, but the lights inside the vehicle were lightning him. Even took Jonas' helmet off and his heart clenched, never returning to the same size that night.

Jonas was covered with sweat, his skin was blank as milk, contrasting absurdly with the black of his hair and eyebrows. When Even yelled his name, his green eyes were too light, too wrong, turning to him and roaming his face, but not focusing on anything.

Even started shaking, but he forced himself to act, to drag him out, he wrapped his arms around his chest and laid him on the ground.

"I called them," Even landed a hand clutching Jonas' chest tightly like it could somehow help him to hold on. Even's eyes were full of terror over Jonas' face, just turning away to throw some sharp glances around, only to confirm they were still much alone on an empty street. "Hold on, Jonas, they're bringing the serum. You'll be okay."

_They're coming, they're coming, they're coming._

Jonas' eyes were glazing over, empty, and when they started rolling back and shutting, Even gave him a slap that made him focus on his eyes for a second before going away again.

"Hey!" screamed Even, shaking him by his collar. No response, just eyes wandering erratically. Jonas was on the verge of consciousness.

"Jonas, Jonas," Even called him with his voice failing, affliction growing inside him. He leaned onto Jonas' body and shook him gently. "Tell me what to do."

"Do I cut your foot?" Even's sobbings started as realization reached him, and desperation settled. Jonas was leaving.

"Do I cut your leg?" yelled Even, his deep voice intermingled with wracking sobs. "Tell me what to do."

"Even," Jonas' voice was hardly a whisper.

"Jonas," he cried.

"I'm dying."

"No!" yelled Even angrily.

"We came together."

"What?" Even's sobs ceased out of perplexity.

"Use it to find him," Jonas muttered, forced his eyes to focus on Even's one, who drunk from them with hope.

But it just lasted a second, a split second, before Jonas went cross-eyed, and he lost control of them again.

Jonas didn't utter any more words after that, no matter how much sound Even made or how much he shoved him.

When they came, it was too late. They found Even over Jonas, compressing his chest frantically. One, two, three. Pressing their lips together and blowing. Again, again and again. Jonas had foamed through his mouth, but Even couldn't focus on anything else than ensuring Jonas' lungs were still inflating with air and his heart pumping his blood.

People stared with pity, silently, as the only sounds filling the air were Even's desperate attempts to save Jonas’ life. It was hard to understand, there was no blood, no broken bones, Jonas was intact. He was perfect.

Even didn't remember when or how he had finally let it sink in, Jonas had been poisoned from inside out and hist big heart would never again beat by itself.

Jonas had died.

Even gave them his report with arms hanging like weights by his side, answering everything with his soul out of his body.

"We came together," he spoke mechanically.

"We lost my spaceship," he lied. He lied, and he didn't even know why. He lied with his empty eyes fixed on his spaceship at a distance. Maybe he'd be caught, maybe he wished for that, for something that would punch him in the face and make him wake up.

But they never did. They carried Jonas' with them, and Even guaranteed that they were gentle with him, he stayed by his side all the time. Until they put him in the ambulance and took Jonas' spaceship away, leaving Even behind, alone, with a heart that was about to collapse in pain.

He'd have given his life for a hug.

He hugged himself instead.

Jonas died, and it didn't rain, he died and not a thing in the world changed. Jonas, who was a friend of Even, the one relieving the heaviness on his head. He died the same day he had a dentist appointment, and who does that? Jonas, sweet, chill Jonas, who was in love and died anyway.

_"Jonas, yesterday we were laughing together, today we're here with all his friends and family."_

Jonas was just sixteen.

_"And it's difficult to accept. You were just sixteen..."_

Jonas had enrolled the army faking his identity.

_"...but wiser beyond your age."_

Jonas was heartbroken, that was his thing. 

_"I wish I had a great speech for you, you of all people knew how to give them. You of all people deserved them."_

And it turned that Even and Jonas were more alike than Even would ever have imagined. Jonas was an unbelievable twenty-three rate himself, a fucking miracle, who had lost his girl to a random boy nevertheless. Even and Jonas were the margin of error, they were the irony.

_"And I just knew you for a short period, but time isn't measured just in seconds."_

Eulogy, that was a weird word. An ugly one.

_"I'm sorry I couldn't save you...I..."_

Even's voice cracked in the middle of the words, he clenched his jaw and fought the tears. He rose his head, scanning all those people watching him, just waiting. He tried to find any face that would relieve the pain.

Loneliness, it stabbed him again, unleashing the tears. And when he couldn't keep them in, when he couldn't even do this simple task, all came at once. He tried to keep it silent at least. He swallowed his sobs and sealed his lips, staring down at the paper in his hands, with his bad calligraphy and all the erasures. And suddenly he felt ashamed in his soul.

Jonas didn't deserve that, he should have put more effort into it. Why didn't he do that? Why did he show up with that crumbled piece of paper? Even raised his eyes again, lost, looking at people staring with pity at him and whispering to each other. Even's eyes darted to a dark haired lady in the front row offering him a small smile.

"I'm sorry," he explained with his face washed with tears, but the lady just shook his head smiling.

"Jonas," Even forced himself to continue, reading the words he had struggled so much to write. "I'm using the same words you once said to me, hoping they will bring you the same peace you gave me that day."

"Just close your eyes and go sleep. When you wake up, everything is going to be okay."

Jonas' mom mouthed _thank you_. Even nodded and left.

Even left for months. He quit the army and gave up, on his fucked up world, on happiness and sorrow, on feelings. He gave up on trying or acting. He even gave up on his parents, watching him all the time and pretending to have lost his room's key. He gave up on them and he wasn't even ashamed. He gave up on shame too.

But that deep sadness didn't give up on him. He didn't know anymore which part was his illness and which was pure grief.

Maybe Even was cursed, he thought. He thought a lot those days, even if to think was the last thing he wanted. He wished to mute his brain, to escape his thoughts, to breathe. No tomorrow.

It's not like he had a wish of dying, it wasn't like that, he wanted to unborn. He wanted to rewind and erase, just to stop a pointless misery that would lead nowhere but nonsensical suffering, no reward in the end. And for once control his own fate.

So Even thought, oh boy, he thought a lot, about ways and means and tools and where and when and how and the relief. And his mother, he couldn't help thinking about her, too. But the relief, he could almost taste it. Almost. Because then there was _him_.

This fucking nonexistent creature, soothing when Even craved for the burn.

Even tried hard not to think of _him_. Sometimes he managed it, but sometimes he popped there, uninvitedly, making him feel slightly better in an impossible situation.

And Even hated it, he hated how he could feel warm because of him, when Jonas wouldn't feel anything else, ever again. He felt guilt eating his soul.

 _He_ needed to disappear in order to Even disappear.

Just a glance, to put a face to this guy and he'd be done, he promised to himself.

But how do you find a boy you know nearly nothing about? And Even didn't miss the irony of it, that the only piece of concrete information he had was his birthday when his non-birth was the origin of all the problems after all.

So Even didn't know his name or the color of his eyes. He didn't know if his heart would beat faster just at sight of him. And Even wasn't used to trust his feelings or his body, but he knew he could trust the numbers. Even came up with a plan.

The numbers tied them together, and another Even? This would be hard to miss. So finding an Even, who was dating a schoolboy, in Oslo area, hoping the boy was indeed him, hoping in some Universe they had met each other when the boy was just fifteen, that was Even's best chance. He had no idea about the odds, though.

Even spent weeks traveling to all the cataloged similar Earths, always avoiding the twin one, the one that had broken him for good. He stalked school after school until one day there it was. An Even, wearing a black snapback backward and walking to the school gates like he hadn't a single worry in life.

An Even whose face lightened up as he reached a boy with red snapback backward, until they were both with their backs to Even. They crossed arms on each other's backs and leaned heads together in an intimate way.

_Holy fucking mother._

Even recorded them with shaking hands, watching in real life and through the screen happiness unfolding at a distance. And the laughs, boy, they hit his bones.

Even fixed eyes on the other Even, not daring to look at _him_ , like he could turn to stone if he did, he was intimidated by the myth he had created himself. So instead, Even watched the boy that shared his DNA beaming in ways he didn't know his body was capable of.

And he knew it was  _him_ then, by staring at Even instead of directly at the boy.

He closed eyes and counted until ten, then finally, finally, looking at him, the boy who was all the trouble in his life. He was blond and tall, and young, so young. And Even couldn't discern his features, but it was him, so he waited, breathing hard, for the response of his body. But nothing came. He was in shock.

Even went home after they had left holding hands. He didn't know what to think or feel, but when that boy had brushed the hair from that Even's eyes and caressed his face, it had pinched his heart.

And he knew it wasn't the end. He needed more.

The day Even met Isak, it was supposed to be his last. Even put himself together for a last big act, to fit the remaining piece of a puzzle that had always been incomplete. And for his final farewell, he cut till the bones, he chose the Earth that had started the ending and also Isak's birthday.

Even met him and it felt like _finally_. They talked, shared a blunt, and it was chill. It really was. Even wasn't hit by the cupid arrow and no bells had started ringing. Isak was a pretty and nice boy, but he was still just that, a boy. Even felt a foreign relief flooding his body.

_I don't need you._

And Isak talked, exposing more and more of his gapped teeth, mewling and unraveling before Even's eyes. He said one unexpected thing after the other, and Even was caught off guard over and over again. Isak had asked him if he was from Canada, for fucking sake. And that night, Isak monopolized Even's brain with every little thing he did, and suddenly Even was just a boy sharing a blunt with a cute boy.

Isak had green eyes, of course he did. But not an astonishing and glimmering green, the one to pierce one's soul. Isak's eyes were warm, like the grass on a sunny day. They were intriguing, and Even caught himself leaning closer, trying to figure out the ways the light played with them.

Even was delighted, that was the word. Isak was adorable and Even had never pictured him like that. He had always imagined that boy would be the one making his heart gone in a second, he had always thought of it as hyperbole, as his chest exploding and combusting. He had never imagined it'd be like that, that Isak would end his heart by melting it bit by bit, quietly. It was sneaky and invisible, like being poisoned.

Isak did all wrong.

He shouldn't have stared at Even's eyes that way, that long. Isak looked at him in ways Even didn't know he could be looked at. Until Even wasn't sure anymore what was weed and what was Isak. What was Isak and what was him.

 _You're not my Isak._ He had to keep reminding himself. 

And Even shouldn't have wanted to kiss him, to wrap his lower lip and discover what sounds would come out of him.

Isak looked at him like he wanted to be kissed. He parted his lips more and more and Even wanted to cry out and die. And crash their mouths together, kissing him until Isak panted his name.

It was all Isak's fault, really, even if it never was.

The first time Even woke up by Isak's side, at that party, on some strange's bed, Isak was snoring softly through his lips. And maybe Even stared too much, but getting to watch the boy who had lived in his fantasies breathing, it was hypnotizing.

_But you're not my Isak._

Even studied Isak and when he looked down, he saw their hands. They were sleeping together and holding hands.

_Fuck._

And maybe that was the turning point, the one that changed him, when Even realized he was in a single piece again. And also that he had screwed up everything. Badly.

Even ran away from that room, stumbling and not looking back. At every step away his heart protested louder. Even stormed from that house, suddenly choking.

_He's not my Isak._

Even reached the sidewalk panting, trying to tilt his chin up to breathe. Nothing was enough, the shortness of breath wasn't related to the amount of air in his body. He bent down with his hands on his knees and let go a dry sob when he wanted to scream.

That need! That need inside him was trying to pull him towards that room, towards him. It was burning him alive.

_He's not mine!_

Even cracked his eyes open to that sidewalk and his heart gave a leap.

Right there...there was a lone yellow dandelion, stubbornly refusing to let the wind shaking his petals to win.

_What..._

Between keeping his eyes dry and breathing, Even remembered...it was Isak's birthday. And that was important, or just the excuse he needed. Even returned, compelled towards that room. He just needed to tell him _happy birthday_ , to acknowledge the miracle it was his existence, his eyes, and his prominent cupid bow. Then he was done.

Even entered that room again looking for a closure, but what he found instead was his soul cracking open. They crashed into each other and hugged desperately, breathing hard and frantically. There wasn't enough skin to hold onto.

_Just one hug._

Even pulled him close, brought him in, feeling the material, the atoms, muscles, and skin that wrapped his dream since he was fourteen.

_You're not my Isak._

And to peel himself off him hurt. Before leaving, Even pressed the sweetest kiss he had in Isak's forehead, who leaned into it until they were connected. They both wanted each other with a want that Even couldn't explain, and it hurt because Even was the one knowing they had no choice. 

But Even went home that night and he lived.

Even lived with a evergreen memory, of a boy who was now in colors. A memory that had now weight, that was now a possible touch, a real temptation and a kiss that had been offered to him through fleshy cupid bows.

Even wanted to surrender, to prove, to get. To put his lips to work over him and watch Isak blossoming under him.

_What if I came first?_

_And then what? Give him something that couldn't ever last?_

_How much would he hate me when he discovered?_

Even stayed away. He was good, so hurtfully good. He managed not to contact him for months before he first returned.

And then it became his thing. At times, when the nights were especially dark, and all the light seemed to have been sucked from his world, Even would return.

And every damn time, looking at a distance, Isak would be more beautiful. His hair more curly and his skin more appetizing. Sometimes Isak smiled, and all the lights of the world landed on him. 

Even fell, down, down, down, deep in a hole.

And for the first time, his depression had a motive, a face, his open wound a name. For once, it was accompanied by a clarity that didn't use to be there. His mom's hug felt real, even though it wasn't her arms he was yearning for.

"I found him, mom," blurted out Even one night, when it was just the two of them, cooking together.

"Who?" she asked nonchalantly, turning to open nearly every single cabinet in the kitchen before finding the pan she was looking for, then turning his full attention to him, sealing her lips and squeezing her eyes, like waiting.

"The twin Earth..." Even offered, with lifted eyebrows and waiting.

Even watched his mom's face morphing into something close to pain. That pretty, pretty woman, with eyes like pools showing now every one of her wrinkles, all of which had a single name...Even. His heart clenched.

“Why would you do that, baby?” his mom's voice was weak, her eyes light.

"Mom, listen," Even stepped closer and grabbed her hands. "What if I were really, really good to him?"

 _What if I were better?_ He tried to say.

 _Please._ He tried to convey.

Her mom looked at him, and he wished she hadn't. She cupped one of Even's cheek with her palm, tenderly, her eyes saying everything.

That was the confirmation that made Even's heart sink in.

"You and dad would have loved him," muttered Even, turning to chop the onions and ignoring his mom's eyes piercing his neck. 

Even mourned for a season, keeping it always within him, out of his mom's sight, out of her mind. It didn't matter he was slowly choking inside.

The walls were gradually closing in on him until one night it snapped, and then there was no air anymore, Even needed him to breathe. That was the only excuse he had when he came back.

And Isak did everything wrong, once again. He warmed him up and made him feel safe. Isak said all the wrong words Even was dying to hear, and he asked him to stay. Even stayed and he didn't have any excuse for that.

Isak was laying in front of him, eyes closed and smiling like a satisfied kitten. And gosh, that skin, it made him want to cry. But Even was afraid if he touched it, he'd want to touch it forever.

Even realized that night all the fuss about him, why Evens would always have him.

_I understand it now. You're an angel._

_And you don't break an angel._

Writing him that letter was impossible, like ripping his heart out and using the red liquid shed as ink. The pen scratching the skin inside his chest and making him writhe. Even gave up the only thing he had ever wanted.

Even returned to his world, to a life that was about the sun rising and setting in high speed. He started Uni and met people, but he still felt like a robot failing in portraying a human. A robot that ironically felt too much.

_Isak, are you thinking about me now? Do you ever do?_

_I do. Still._

December.

January.

February.

March.

April.

May.

 _June_.

By June, Even was just trying to survive each tick of the clock. He had only seen that boy twice in one year, but he missed him like heroin.

Like a drug addict Even convinced himself he just needed to confirm he existed, that somewhere in the Universe there was a boy who looked like an angel and who had a scar just in the corner of his mouth.

 _Perhaps he has found his Even already._ Said some part of him that liked to cut and twist.

The day of Isak's seventeenth birthday, Even waited by the corner of his street, concealed in the shadows, all night long. His heart pattering like a hummingbird excited just for the sight of a boy he didn't know would even come home.

When Isak finally showed up, turning the corner across the street, Even stopped breathing. Suddenly his neck felt too weak to sustain his head straight as he stared in a trance at a boy who wasn't the same from his memories.

Isak was amazing.

Even came along with him in that parallel sidewalk, more reckless than he had intended. But it had never been part of his original plan to stare in awe like an idiot at the profile of a boy who had now a jaw. Isak's baby fat was all gone, giving way to angles. He was taller, and he had now a body...that seemed just right under that white tee and those fine jeans.

Even's stupid crooked smile was there until he finally noticed the blonde guy walking shoulder by shoulder with Isak. The boy walking him home. 

Even's jaw tightened and his dark blue eyes got a fierce look that had never been there. There was also that unsettling feeling that Even had never experienced before. 

He watched holding his breath as they reached Isak's building. And he knew he had no right, any right, but when they leaned on each other, Even's heart shrank to the size of a needle tip.

_No._

For a nonsensical split second Even cogitated to do something to stop the scene unfolding in front of him. To scream or announce himself.

But when they just gave a semi-hug and Isak went into the house not even looking back, Even huffed all the air out of his lungs. He leaned his forehead onto a tree trunk, letting go a nervous laugh as he gripped the bark and welcomed the harsh friction under his soft palms.

Relief.

That night, though, Even tossed and turned on his bed with an unsettling thought threatening to form in his brain. It kept hammering him until it hit him and then it was suddenly crystal clear.

It was Isak, he had smiled all wrong.

Even didn't sleep that night, thinking about that.

When Even came back again he couldn't even feel guilty. His heart was tight with other feelings as he watched day after day a boy who went to school and back home, a boy who was always smiling a smile that never colored his cheeks or made his eyes shine. It was the same one Even was so used to give to the world.

And for Isak's smile, Even came up with the silliest of the plans. It demanded some logistics and a lot of research but Even was invested, he managed to set up everything around Isak's building.

And when Isak showed up one night, he was greeted with fireworks thumping and exploding green in the black sky. Isak looked up like an amazed child with his eyes shining, and when those lips curved up to the skies, Even realized he was falling in love.

It was Friday night and people from Even's age would likely be at parties or whatever it was that people from his age did. But to Even, Isak's dimples were enough.

Even didn't care about his own sun-deprived world, he just wanted to make Isak's world brighter.

_Just until your Even come._

Even tried not to think about the future, just focusing on bringing magic to Isak's world, one smile at a time. He watched Isak's happiness from the shadows, but it was so worthy.

And suddenly Isak's paths were filled with flowers, his life with music playing out of nowhere. Once Isak crossed with a dog walker and uncountable puppies, and the leashes that entangled up on his legs might or might not have something to do with Even. But the puppies' attack, it was just on them.

The sound of Isak's laughs made him high, his smiles melted his heart. One kiss from those lips and he was sure he'd combust. He didn't know how other Even's dealt with that, and at that point he was starting to doubt any of them had ever felt half what he felt.

One night, Even positioned one hundred red balloons around Isak's building. He tied with nylon on the trees, on the facade and in the bushes.

When Isak finally noticed them, he halted and looked around with a cute frown between his eyes.

Even cut from a distance the line that triggered everything, and then all ballons started untangling and taking off around Isak who gasped surprised, turning around and around, looking up at the balloons flying away, filling the skies.

But this time, Isak didn't smile. Even was focusing on that when Isak called him.

"Even?" Isak said it again.

_Fuck._

Even glued his back on the wall, tilted his head up and closed his eyes.

"You don't need to say anything," Isak continued, looking around at the night. "Just listen."

"I'm waiting..." said Isak, and it was raw, it made Even squeeze his eyes shut.

"But I can't go on like that anymore, Even..." spoke Isak and the strangled way he said his name, fuck. Even's heart sank in his chest.

Isak stopped to lick his lips.

"I'm going to Denmark, and I'm not coming back. I'm getting the ferry this Saturday."

"If you are not interested in anything more you can just let it be, okay?"

Isak headed home after that and Even stayed there, on that wall, with his heart hammering his chest until he lost track of time.

Even returned to his world and didn't come back, repassing Isak's words again and again. His brain working nonstop, trying to find a solution that would never come. So that was it? The end? Just like that, never again seeing his face? And there it was, the familiar sharp pain.

He could always try to find him in Denmark, but could he when Isak asked him not to? Could he be that selfless just for a sight of him? He knew he needed to let him go, finally.

The day of Isak's departure Even was a nervous wreck, gripping the sheets, screaming on pillows and wishing there was anything he could do to take that feeling away. He wished he could erase him from his mind. From his heart.

"Baby, what is that?" asked his mom, frowning at him from the sofa.

"Huh?" Even didn't avert his eyes from the window, the same one he was staring for minutes straight.

"You look like you need to save someone from the gallows," her mom smiled at him softly.

Even turned to her, parted lips, not really paying attention, his mind light-years away.

"You know you can..." started his mother.

"I love him," blurted out Even, wrecked, droopy and defeated eyes staring at his mom.

His mother's eyebrows raised to the sky as she stared speechlessly, and Even, Even found it so amusing he burst out laughing, and the face his mother made after that, it was priceless.

"Fuck, I love him," he sighed in the middle of desperated laughs.

"I'm sorry, mom," Even stood up and walked backward to the doors, always staring at her. "I tried."

"Even..."

"I gave up," muttered Even shaking his head. "I gave up!" Even screamed with his arms over his head.

He mouthed _I'm sorry_ before slamming the door and running.

Even ran, desperate, uncovering his spaceship clumsily and checking all the statuses on the panel controls. Not ideal, but it'd need to be enough.

Even turned the engine on even before climbing to his seat and putting his helmet on.

That was not the end.

Even stepped on that harbor, running and bumping on people on his way. He ran with his heart pounding but so so light. Even was done, there was only so much the Universe could expect him to put up with. That boy sang to his soul.

Even ran just with a jacket on a dull and cold December day.

"Please," Even grabbed some lady's arm. "I'm looking for the ferry to Denmark?"

"Oh," said her turning to the sea, Even followed her automatically. "I'm afraid you just missed it, dear."

Even's heart sank, because there, at a short distance, there was a ferry going away, leaving. He had just lost him. His heart protested, Even wanted to yell _Shut up, it's all your damn fault!_  He wanted to scream until his lungs exploded.

Even grabbed the handrails, squeezing it until his knuckles turned white. He stared at the sea, at the ship, when something caught his attention. In the ferry, there was a boy jumping and moving his arms over his head.

Isak.

Even gave him a dull smile he wouldn't be able to see.

_It's okay, baby. It's for the best._

Even couldn't discern Isak's features from that distance, but he knew he was beautiful nevertheless, that his skin would be urging to be touched and his lips cherry and a dream. Even knew all of this, no matter how little of him he could see, since a while he wasn't seeing him with just eyes anymore.

Even refused to blink, refused to take his eyes from the boy he would never again see. He refuted his body forcing him, watering his eyes and making it impossible. Even fought for every second of him.

Isak was still agitated, he seemed to be yelling something, but it never reached Even's ears. _You can let it go now, baby._

Even looked directly at that figure going away, and he knew it was useless, it was less than nothing, but Even screamed, with a life of feelings:

"Isaaaaaaaaaaaak!"

Even screamed Isak's name until his chest was empty, he didn't care about people's eyes over him. 

Together they yelled to each other things that were never heard. They yelled until he saw Isak's movements changing, he frowned as that boy started dropping layers at a distance, and the realization hit him at the same time his blood froze in his veins.

"No!" Even yelled with all the power of his lungs. "No, Isak!"

_No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no._

Isak jumped to the sea, Even's heart stopped.

He bent over the rails, eyes fixed at the exact spot Isak had disappeared, but the disturbance in the water was the only sight of what had just happened.

_Please, please, please._

Isak reappeared and started moving. Isak, stupid, stupid, Isak was swimming in a freezing sea in the middle of fucking December. Even followed every stroke Isak gave, not sure anymore about what sounds were coming from his mouth and which ones were from the people surrounding him and yelling at the boy that had just jumped to the sea.

Even ran downstairs, taking three or four steps at a time, his eyes never leaving him. He might have bumped and knocked people on his way, his brain just focused on every stroke Isak's arms gave.

_Keep moving. Please, keep moving._

Even kneeled down and extended his arms to a boy who was now so close, but so far, so damn and impossibly far. He yelled Isak's name over and over again, not missing how Isak was huffing air like one on the verge of crumbling down.

Even was considering taking his jacket off and jumping  to the sea, when Isak stopped and looked directly at him, breathing heavily, just a couple of meters ahead. Even stopped breathing as they locked eyes. Isak was in trouble.

"Come on, baby," screamed Even, trying to smile at him, but not making a good job of it.

Even was trying to go towards him, but people was keeping him there, grabbing his clothes. He tried to throw himself forward, extending his body and arms to Isak.

"Swim, baby, swim to me," Even yelled with his throat dry, his eyes not that much.

Isak's eyes changed, and a fierce concentration settled there. Even saw relieved that boy moving again, he followed Isak giving one painful stroke after the other, huffing heavily between each one, like someone at the end of an Olympic marathon.

People were screaming and cheering him, but Even didn't pay attention, still held by strangers' arms. He could only see Isak.

Isak gave one or two more strokes and Even's fingers touched him. Isak propelled himself forward in a last big effort and Even closed his arms around him tightly. People pulled them, together.

Even fell sat on the ground with Isak on his arms. Even squeezed him until Isak's chin was tilted up, pressed against his collarbone. They were both breathing heavily, but Isak was cold like ice.

Even pulled apart, always keeping a hand gripping him firmly. He took his jacket off with an arm, then shifting to hold Isak with his other hand, as he took off the other sleeve.

Even threw his jacket over Isak's shoulder, who was staring at him like he was magical, still breathing heavily through his parted lips. Even tried to ignore him, focusing on keeping him warm, rubbing his arms.

"Someone calls an ambulance!" yelled Even, adding more layers over Isak as people handed him jackets and coats.

Even cupped his cheeks harshly and stared into his green eyes.

"You're so stupid, Isak," Even shook his head at him, with eyes wet with tears.

_I almost lost you._

"So, so stupid," muttered Even, roaming Isak's face, every single detail, including his tiny scar by his mouth.

Isak was white as milk, and shivering like he had no control of his body. Beautiful, beautiful Isak stared back at him, and when his blue lips gave the slightest of the twitches, Even knew it was a smile because they lit up his eyes.

_This stupid, stupid boy._

Even pulled him in, hugged him close, shivering with him as his clothes got wet and cold.

Even realized he couldn't ignore that boy anymore. He was responsible for that, he was now responsible for him.

Even brought a hand to the back of Isak's head and whispered in his ear _I'm here now_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: character's death, suicidal thoughts
> 
> I didn't write angst just for the sake of angst, things just unfolded like that in my head, like in a movie.  
> I cried while writing it, but the story came out like that. :,(
> 
> Some inspirations:  
> \- Movie "I Dreamed of África" - death scene
> 
> I'm trying to delivery updates more often, but I'm still too slow (really, sometimes I can spend 1 hour in a single paragraph). Please bear with me.
> 
> Any thoughts? Comment if the spirit moves you.  
> <3
> 
> ps: thanks for every single person that left comments, or just kudos or just read it and enjoyed it.
> 
> ps2: lots of Evak from now on, things will start building up


End file.
